The Simplicity of Clay

This week began my three week journey with a new kind of prayer and a new medium; listening for God's word(s) to me and clay.  The problem was that I kept putting off starting.  After all I had finally figured out what it means to listen to myself not to mention feeling more comfortable and confident with painting and now I have to switch gears.  What if I do it wrong? 

Ok, seriously, that question is getting old.  When I finally pushed past those lingering thoughts and took the time out of my week (just an hour) I realized that this assignment is probably easier than anything I've done so far.  For years now I have been in the process of "discerning" or listening to God in my life and of all the different varieties of art clay is the one I am most familiar with.  So I pulled out my old musty tools, grabbed my newly purchased box of Sculpy clay, found a comfortable spot and got started. 

But the question still lingers; what is God saying to me today?  Well once I took about 10 seconds of time for myself to sit in silence the answer seemed almost too obvious.  This week is my second week of leading stewardship Bible studies and has been so busy that I have hardly seen my husband or sat down for more than 5 minutes.  Oh and this week our Bible study is focusing on time, how we use it and how it relates to stewardship. 

This week God is telling me to take time.  Take time for those I love.  Take time to be still and breath.  Take time to take care of myself (eating well, exercising, sleeping) as well as the little girl that is growing inside of me.  And maybe most of all that all of this is a gift not something else to be added to the to-do list.  As a matter of fact, the to do list can wait and time can be taken for myself, those I love and God. 

With these thoughts and this prayer I began warming the clay in my hands, time melted away and I was able to just be still, stop thinking and enjoy.  And as an image of time came into my head my hands began to work and the amazing part was that the normal worries of self doubt and ability never reared their ugly heads.  And I worked on and ended up with this:

A pocket watch, a symbol of time and maybe in some ways a reminder of simpler times before the world seemed constantly busy.  One of the reasons I love pocket watches so much is that often they were and sometimes still are given as gifts and the time is taken to engrave them.  This one fits that pattern too.  It says "A Gift for You".  This week, once I got started, it was easier to hear God's message to me and enter into the creative act.  I believe this is partly because of the clay but also partly because God has been whispering this message to me for the past few days as I have been hearing stories and joining in conversation about time and stewardship.  It is a simple message but one that is easy to overlook, especially for people like me whose to do lists are longer than there are hours in the day.  So today is a day off and I am going to treasure this gift that God has given me rather than worry and struggle to get everything done.

A Final Painting

It's been one of those weeks for me.  You know the kind.  The kind where everything seems to be wrong or off or unobtainable.  Some of this has to do with crazy pregnancy hormones and some of it has to do with entirely too many things in my life that are out of my control.  I'd be kidding myself if I ever even attempted to say that I don't like to be in control, or at the very least have a plan.  But this has been one of those weeks where no amount of planning would have paid off.  This week has been filled with frustrations, anxiety, fears, lack of motivation and all kind of other fun emotions that when experienced one at a time are completely manageable but when experienced all together lead to a night of crying and wishing I could just drink a glass of wine.  And so with all of this I kept putting off my time with God and painting in order to get something, anything, crossed off my entirely too long to do list.  As Saturday approached Frank asked if we were going to paint (as I had asked him if he'd paint with me so that I could "practice" leading someone else through this process). 

So Saturday rolled around and I had a painting date with my husband and I couldn't put it off any longer.  As we got paints, brushes and canvas set out my heart still wasn't in it and when Frank asked how we do this I explained my usual process of picking Psalm, sitting with it and then painting my prayer and this of course led him to ask what Psalm we were using today.  I told him to pick one while I tried to get out of my blah mood and into the "creative" frame of mind.  He picked Psalm 67 which says,

"God, mark us with grace and blessing!  Smile!  The whole country will see how you work, all the godless nations see how you save.  God!  Let people thank and enjoy you.  Let all people thank and enjoy you.  Let all far-flung people become happy and shout their happiness because you judge them fair and square, you tend the far-flung people.  God!  Let people thank and enjoy you.  Let all people thank and enjoy you.  Earth, display your exuberance!  You mark us with blessing, O God, our God.  You mark us with blessing, O God.  Earth's four corners -- honor him!" (The Message). 

So...this Psalm expresses the polar oposite of how I've been feeling.  But it also expresses how I long to feel.  Not only has it been a long week but the days are getting shorter and I more and more often feel grumpy.  I'm not sure if it's the Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in, the pregnancy hormones, the long tireing days or some combination but I am tired of feeling irritated and grumpy, I am tired of spending my evenings complaining to my husband rather than enjoying our time together and I am tired of not feeling like myself.  I am craving this kind of praising and joy of God that the Psalmist is expressing.  And so with all these feelings I began to paint.

I began to paint blue lines, lines of chaos, anxiety, frustration, fear and pain.  Then I found myself painting with bright vibrant yellow, these words of blessing, praise, joy and presence of God streaking into life and comingling with the blue.  I finished by painting a green backdrop surrounding it all, the color of creation itself, the color of new life.  It is my plea for God to break into my world, to help me to dwell on and see all that I have to be joyful about, because it is so very much rather than just seeing the chaos.  As I look at this painting now, a day later, I see the creation story told.  God breaking into the chaos, ordering it and turning it into something new.  In a way I guess my prayer is a prayer as old as time.

This week, I didn't struggle with  feeling the need to paint something truly great or the self talk that told me it wouldn't be good.  Instead I struggled simply to get started.  I thought I needed to be in a good place, a happy place, a Bob Ross kind of place to enter into this kind of prayer and I was very wrong.  One of the biggest surprises for me this week was the simplicity and beauty of painting side by side with my husband.  I thought for sure that I would fall into negative patterns, comparing my work with his and wondering why my painting was so bad or not right.  Instead, I really enjoyed being able to look over and see him painting.  I did not compare our works or even compare them but instead just took joy in watching him create.

Even though I didn't really feel like painting, I am really glad I did.

Another Prayer, Another Painting

Yesterday began another adventure in painting and prayer.  It was one of those beautiful Northwestern Minnesota fall days.  Sunny, a touch of coolness in the air, changing colors and a LOT of wind.  We're not talking gentle breezes, we're talking steady 20+ mph winds with gusts around 40mph.  Yep, it was a pretty normal fall day up in these parts and it was beautiful.

Now I tell you these weather conditions not so that you will feel sorry for me and the plight of those who live on the flat land, but more to help you get into my mindset.  This time of year the leaves are falling, the seeds have dried and that gloriously strong and aggressive wind stirs everything up and spreads potential new life to a new places.  I like to remind myself of this fact partly because it is true and sets my mind on the complexity of the creation we live in and the reality of the death and resurrection we see day in and day out but also partly because it's hard to be joyful when you fear the wind is going to blow you over.

So this is the mindset I was in when I began my prayer practice of painting; enjoying the sunshine and marveling at God's continual acts of creation in our world.  And then I read these words in the Psalms, "Do not fret because of the wicked; do not be envious of wrongdoers, for they will soon fade like the grass, and wither like the green herb." Psalm 37: 1-2.  Ok, probably not the most cheery of verses but it got me thinking, once again about this process of renewal.  The grass fades and the green herb withers but that does not mean it is gone forever.  God brings forth new life from that fading and withering.  Sometimes death must come before newness and life can spring forth.

With all of these thoughts and feelings and such a great success from last week, I began to think about what I "should" paint.  I tried to force my prayers into paint and canvas.  And you know what?  It was stressing me out.  I was trying too hard and thinking too much and was more in my way than I had been the week before.  I was trying to make this be the perfect expression of myself and my prayer and I quickly realized how silly that was.  So I took a few deep breaths, sat in silence, let go of any preconceived notions of what this painting or my prayer would be and I began to paint...

...and this is what came forth.  Now to simply look at it, you may think I simply painted what was outside my window.  Maybe in some ways that is true, but it goes deeper than that.  This is my prayer for renewal, for the seeds of my life to be scattered by the wind of the Holy Spirit and to have new life breathed into me.  It is a simple prayer and I see it and feel it every time I look out the window or see a post about Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Sweaters.  It has been a long journey to get to this point, I have been taking classes and filling out paperwork, I got married, we are having a baby.  It's all incredibly exciting and yet come February my world changes.  We will, in-fact, have a baby.  I will be done with classes and internship and awaiting graduation.  God willing, I will have been approved and assigned and awaiting a call.  The seeds that have been and continue to mature are ready to be scattered and newness is awaiting me and it is my prayer that God work through each and every one of those seeds to bring about something beautiful and unexpected and new.  And maybe more importantly, that I will be ready.

Creativity: What's in the Way?

This week I've been thinking a lot about creativity and maybe more importantly what gets in the way.  Creativity is something that flows forth from us humans in amazing ways.  Whether it's being struck by a new idea, trying a new recipe, dancing in our kitchens, painting or any number of other things, creativity seems to sneak in when we least expect it and sometimes it's even hard to recognize it for what it is.  For example, this morning I made chicken wild rice soup for my husband and a few friends who were out on a long bike ride.  I didn't pull out my mom's recipe because by this point it is a part of me.  That being said, the recipe only calls for onion and celery but we had a few more veggies that needed to be used up; carrots, mushrooms, turnips and potatoes so into the pot they all went and it was a huge success.  I do not say this to brag, although it was pretty awesome soup, but to illustrate how mundane creativity can seem.  A few weeks ago I would have never thought of this act of cooking as a moment of creativity.  I love to cook and often spend way too much time looking at recipes online, in magazines, on television or in cookbooks and it's how I show love to those in my life.  But today, I knew the recipe and I took a risk and it turns out that creativity found its way into my normal routine and it was delicious.

And then, I saw this:

And it was amazing and beautiful and joy-filled and it got me thinking about all that creativity is and all that gets in our way.  When I began cooking I followed the recipe to the letter, even when it was a recipe that was taught without one, and let's face it, most the best ones are.  But as I cooked more and more I began to eyeball amounts, make substitutions and completely leave the recipes out of the equation and in so doing have been opened up to creativity sneaking in.  But what was stopping this before?  Well, knowing myself as well as I do, it would be that I was afraid to get it wrong, for the recipe to not turn out right and to disappoint myself and the loved ones I was feeding.  Isn't this so often how we live our lives?  Afraid to try something or be opened up to creativity for fear of not doing it right or it being bad.   As I've begun painting, these are often the thoughts that still wander through my head and sometimes it takes a lot to push them aside, be open, trust myself and let the creative process wash over me rather than try to hold it hostage.

Now, back to the video I posted.  I was amazed at the willingness and joy of those on the street who stepped up to conduct these amazingly tallented musicians.  Some were self conscious and others let go and became a beautiful part of this creative act.  Could these musicians have conducted themselves and given a beautiful street performance?  Yes, of course they could.  But with the willingness of these bystanders to step up and dare to try something new, the music was different than it has ever been or will ever be again; taking on each of their own unique and distinct personalities and styles.  They became a part of this music and were part of creating something beautiful.  They didn't let their negative self talk and worry about doing it right stand in their way and creativity once again quietly slipped in and produced something amazing.

So my hope for myself and for any of you still with me, is that we can boldly step past the negative self talk we have been taught and have built up in our lives and allow creativity to quietly sneak in.

A Beautiful Morning for Painting

Yesterday I had my first adventure with Prayer as Creativity, ok first official adventure with prayer as creativity.  I set aside a few hours on a beautiful sunny morning to spend some time with God and to paint. 

The sun was streaming in the windows, I had a steaming cup of tea, my painting supplies and my favorite meditation partner, Max the cat.

I decided to look at the Psalm for this coming Sunday (Psalm 146) as my grounding point but the gentle breeze coming in through my window kept bringing me to Psalm 148 as well.  Both these Psalms joyfully praise God for all that God has done and created and given.

And so, I painted and after about an hour of reading, meditating and painting this is what found its way out onto the canvas...

And now today, it is time to reflect on what took place in that hour and since then.
During that hour my internal dialogue started off sounding something like "what should I paint?  Should I paint what I hear in the scripture or my deepest darkest prayer?  How do I start?  What color do I start with?  Big brush or little?  Why does an umbrella keep popping into my head?"  And so on, until finally I just told myself to shut up and started, slowly and deliberate and cautiously but I started and it took every ounce of my being to shut myself up, stop worrying if it would be good or not and just paint.  And as I painted and the minutes ticked on it got easier and even the umbrella found a place in my gem of a painting.

When I first finished it, I knew it was what I had set out to paint, I knew that it was my prayer to God but I wasn't entirely sure why.  So the more time I've spent with it and the more I listen to how I have been feeling the more I see what my prayer really was.  Lately, blame it on pregnancy hormones, changing weather or any number of other things, I have been frustrated by the cloud of negativity and doubt and general grumpiness that seems to find its way into my day.  I have been desiring the clouds to break so that I can more fully feel the joys in my life, the joys God has given me.  And this is what I painted, God's grace and love and joy and presence breaking through the clouds of negativity, doubt, pain and fear and not only breaking through these clouds but taking them over and burning them off as the sun burns off the fog in the mornings.  But what about the umbrella that so filled my thoughts?  Well, it's the world, the thing that was created to give us shelter and rest.  Not only does God break through the clouds into my life but He also breaks through the clouds that seem to blanket out world and brings us the promises that only He can bring.

So with this first painting, I got out of my own way and painted a deep prayer to God for renewal and joy without even realizing it.  It's really an amazing and strange experience to get out of your own way and tap into something unknown, unrealized and unspoken and bring it to life.  This makes me eager to continue down this road of prayer and creativity.

Prayer and Creativity

Today officially begins my last class as a Luther Seminary Student!  It's all very exciting and yet feels completely unreal since I still have about five months left of internship.  Oh well, I will take what I can get!  What might be more exciting than the fact that this is my last class is that this is also my first independent study, it focuses on prayer as creativity and I am being guided through it by Trey Everet out of the Micah Institute in Crookston.

Over the next nine weeks, I will be exploring three different areas of creativity: painting, sculpture and movement of some kind (possibly just walking/hiking and possibly belly dancing...only time will tell).  I am planning on spending three weeks exploring each of these areas of creativity and figure out how they fit in with prayer and meditation.  I'll be honest, this is super exciting and yet I feel completely unprepared for what this will look like and mean for my prayer life; maybe it will work and maybe it won't. 

These first three weeks I'm focusing on painting and with a little guidance from Trey we decided on a basic "formula" to start with.  This "formula" is simple, it's ancient and let's hope it works.  It starts with Scripture (possibly a Psalm), followed by some meditation, painting my prayer to God and then reflecting on the process.  Seems pretty simple right?

The biggest struggle for this adventure is getting out of my own way.  I have never painted before, nor have I ever really sculpted and I have a slight tendency to want to make everything perfect or do things the right way, as I'm sure most of us can relate to.  But, throughout this process, the whole goal is to get out of my own way, to move beyond the mind and key into body and emotion and those other aspects of self that we so often push aside.  The goal is a kind of effortless attention to that which is inside of me and letting it flow out and onto paper.  This is one of the most exciting challenges I've faced in a long time and I know that some days will be easier than others but I am excited to enter into a new spiritual practice, learn more about prayer and figure out how to share it with others.  And most of all I'm comforted that there's really no wrong way to do this.

Without a Voice

I have recently fallen prey to allergies.  On Monday I began to notice some extra stuffiness and a little tickle in my throat.  On Thursday I began to notice that my voice was a little rough.  And on Saturday I noticed that I had no voice what so ever.  Of course this happens on a week when my supervising pastor is out of town and it's my responsiblity to not only preach but lead the whole service.  So I began to brainstorm what a service might look like if I couldn't talk.  It turns out it doesn't look all that different.  I knew I could ask someone to chant and find people to read and whatnot but I did try to limit the times I'd be talking for extended times, i.e. the sermon and the prayers.  So the sermon got scrapped and I decided to let the people do the talking with Lectio Devina and I typed up the prayers on the power point and let them read them. 

It was awesome!  Or at least it was for me and I hope it was for them.

They are, of course, the frozen chosen and although they didn't share their thoughts with the larger congregation after Lectio, they did seem to be having good conversation in small groups and many told me they appreciated the exercise and had lots to think about. 

But more importantly, I had time to listen and this was the biggest gift I could have received.  Since I still didn't have much of a voice, it forced me to stop, slow down and listen to the people.  I heard the little old lady behind me sing the Kyrie with gusto but incredibly out of tune and off beat.  I heard the children excited to bring offering forward.  I heard the people of the church profess their faith and lift their prayers to God.  It was amazing!

So I encourage you all, whether with voice or without, to stop and listen to the people around you.  Hear how they sound, the inflection in their voices, their joy and excitement or sorrow and pain and take note of it.  At times I find myself more focused on what comes next in the service or worrying about my sermon that I forget to actually hear the people and their beautiful voices being lifted up to God.  Despite the struggles of the day and the scrambling to get ready, it was an amazing day full of blessings.