My First Tri!

Frank asked me to write a race recp and between vacation, trying to get things rolling for a potential ordination/first call, water spilled on not one laptop but two and a wonderful beautiful little girl named Natalie who has figured out how to scoot across the floor with the greatest of ease, it has taken me a while to get things written out.  Also due to my current lack of a laptop I'll have to add pictures and/or videos once my laptop dries out and hopefully turns back on.

4 Months Ago, Give or Take:

Six months ago Natalie was born and as many postpartum women I had some weight to lose as well as a general need to get back into some kind of shape that didn't involve frozen pizza and Girl Scout cookies.  So once I was cleared by my doctor I decided it was time to bite the bullet and sign up for a triathlon, which I'd been working toward before I got pregnant.  Frank looked at me like I was crazy but suggested the My First Tri race which is just for first time triathletes.  I figured I'd be in good company and that even if I had to walk all or part of the run, just finishing the race would be a huge accomplishment.  So I signed up, started training and had some amazing days and some crappy days where just looking at my goggles, bike or running shoes made me want to cry.  And that brings us to:

The Day Before The Race:

I spent most of Friday ignoring the fact that I would be racing my first triathlon the next day.  I went on a short but fast run first thing in the morning to remind my legs what they were supposed to be doing after a long day of travel.  I tried to eat well, avoiding the delicious beers that were offered to me.  And I had a ton of fun taking Natalie on her first trip to the aquarium.  

Race Day!  Pre-Race:

The race was Saturday, August 23rd at Centerville Lake in the Rice Creek Chain of Lakes.  It was a beautiful morning!  A little cool, but not cold, and overcast.  I was probably 50% excited, 30% in disbelief that this day had finally arrived and 20% terrified.  We got up early, I ate some breakfast, gave my gear one last once over and we hit the road.  On the way my tummy was full of butterflies and I began to wonder if my hard work and training would really pay off or if I would, in fact drown in the swim, wipe out on my bike, collapse on the run or come in dead last.  Once we got there I pushed these thoughts aside as much as I could and got to the tasks at hand, finding the restroom!  Which of course, was locked.  A locked bathroom is probably the worst thing you could encounter pre-race so I, along with probably 20 other women tracked down various race volunteers to see about getting them unlocked.  While I waited, it was time to set up my transition area.  For all the energy Frank puts into this I thought I was missing something because it seemed to take very little time or effort to get set up.  Oh well, only time would tell!  I got marked with my number, put my swim cap on and headed down to the lake for a little pre-race swim.  While standing in the shallows trying to convince myself to dive in and swim I started talking with one of the other competitors.  I think she was more nervous than I was but we had fun talking about our nerves and training.  It turns out she had had her first child 8 months ago and was using this as a stepping stone to getting in shape as well.  We had a good conversation and I eventually decided it was time to dive in and swim a little.  It was a little cool but my strokes were smooth and I didn't panic so I decided a short swim was all I needed and headed to the beach to hang out with Frank and Natalie before the race meeting and the race start.

And We're Off!  

The Swim: 400 yards

After the race meeting they lined us up by number and we started in sets of two every 30 seconds or so.  As I waited in line I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as one of the mentors was talking to one of my fellow competitors (you could request to race with a mentor, many of which had raced not only sprint triathlons but full ironman competitions so I'm sure running with us slow first timers was no issue at all).  This guy was a piece of work and rather than being there for the person he was mentoring which many of the mentors just oozed, he was definitely there for himself and to show off his skills.  Needless to say I let them push ahead and started with an 11 year old girl who was being mentored by her dad who I ran into the next day at Frank's race cheering on the mom/wife of the family.  Surprisingly the closer I got to the start line the more calm I was.  I felt prepared and when the worker said "Go" I jogged off into the water, dove in once I was deep enough and started my swim.  No matter who you talk to, the swim always seems to be the hardest part.  That was true for me as well but not because I was ill prepared for the swim.  Instead it was crazy hard because I was constantly going around people who had flipped on their backs, were swimming in anything but a straight line and were trying to crowd around the bouys and life guards because they were panicking (my lake training two weeks before the race had definitely made a difference!).  I could never get into a comfortable front crawl stroke and spent most of the swim doing the breast stroke so that I could see the people who had stopped swimming infront of me and go around them.  Although this was frustrating I had expect it, well except for the mentor from the beginning of the race.  Mr. Skills kept swimming ahead of his racer and stopping dead infront of me to wait for her to catch up and to top it off one of the times he started swimming again he almost ran me over.  So I kicked it into a faster stroke, passed him and did my best to put some distance between us.  About 2/3 of the way through the swim people started to thin out and I was able to finish the swim strong and jog up to the transition area.

The Bike: 10 miles

My transition went well, I grabbed  a gel, put my socks, shoes, bike jersey, helmet and sunglasses on and was on my way.  For the bike portion we did a 5 mile loop twice.  The first 2 1/2 miles were on a fairly busy road followed by a terrible  1/4 mile section through a residential area and then ended on a really nice paved trail.  Overall the bike portion was pretty uneventful, I rode strong and was only passed by maybe a dozen people.  That being said, the bike was also the most terrifying part of the race.  When we hit the residential area I thought for sure I was going to die.  It was hilly, the road was all chipped up, there was loose sand and gravel everywhere, cars were parked on both sides of the road, there were  lots of tight turns and because the course looped back on itself there were racers headed both directions.  Now don't get me wrong, it was super fun to see other competitors on this part of the course but I was pretty sure I was going to flat or fall or both and I was more than concerned that I'd take someone with me if I fell.  I made it through but lost a lot of time.  The second loop was possibly better than the first, I felt more confident on all of it including the residential section and on the last part of the trail I had two other riders chatch up to me and eventually pass me and they chatted with each other and me the whole time.  It made it a lot of fun to have the comradarie.  As I was finishing up the last lap, I almost missed the turn into the transition area but made it and before I knew it was off the bike and gearing up for the run.

The Run: 2 miles

In the transition area I dropped off my bike and helmet, grabbed a swig of gatoraid and was off.  My legs felt like jello and I know my pace was probably faster than it should have been.  In short, I was breathing hard and felt like I was standing still.  As I ran I was only passed by one person but also only passed maybe 2.  I don't know what that means but there it is.  The run, although tough was probably the best part of the race.  It was one mile out and one mile back so as I headed out to the water station thinking that the run would never be over the competitors heading to the finish line were offering words of encouragement.  It was nice to hear people that you don't know cheer for you and tell you to "keep it up" or that you're "almost there".  Once I reached the turnaround I was finally settling into my stride and breathing easier.  I passed the two women who passed me at the end of the bike and they followed me into the finish.  We bantered a bit and cheered on those heading out on their run as we headed back.  I probably could have run more efficiently had I put my head down and focused on running but it was so much more fun and meaningful to cheer for my fellow competitors.  This is also probably the only time in my life that I've ever been told that I have a nice pace.  The women behind me were apparently pretty well matched to my slow but steady pace that was probably right around the 12 min mile mark.  As we rounded the last curve I picked up my pace and finished strong.  I finished the race in 1:22 which was well ahead of my 2 hour goal.  

(The two ladies behind me became my race buddies)

It was amazing to come into the finish and see my beautiful family and really feel the weight of my accomplishment.  I had finished my first triathlon!  I had finished my first triathlon in a decent time!  I had finished my first triathlon in a decent time AND had had fun!  It was a fun event and I think I'd like to do it again.

Things They Don't Tell You About

This is my top 10 or so list of things no one ever told me about being a new parent.  They are in on I particular order and they are all from my experience so take them or leave them.

There is nothing more exciting than burps and poop.

Even if your newborn only sleeps for three hours at a time, this will feel like paradise after waking up every hour and wandering around the house in the middle of the night because there was no possible way you could get or stay comfortable during your last month or two of pregnancy.

The hunger is real my friends and between the craving for all things bread when your milk comes in and the general hunger that follows you around all day every day there is no escaping the constant feeling of hunger no matter how much you eat.

This one may be unique to me but I was cold the entire first two months post-partum.  There really is something to those cultures that go as far as building fires under new mother's beds to keep them warm.  It may sound extreme but I wish someone had done it for me.

If you're breastfeeding or pumping your breasts will hurt all the time.  I don't mean the horror stories you hear of cracked and bleeding nipples or the realities of blocked ducts but I mean just a general soreness and discomfort that starts 30 minutes to an hour after you pump/feed and lasts until you pump/feed again. 

You will love this little person in ways you did not even think possible.  Ok, maybe they do tell you this but I didn't really understand.  Before she was born I thought I already loved and then she was born and I realized that that love was just the tip of the iceberg.

Other people will openly tell you what you should be doing, all the time, without asking if you want advice.  Their advice, no matter how awful it may sound comes from to good place and they assume your experience is exactly like theirs...so feel free to ignore this entire list ;)

The first time you pawn your small infant off on someone, especially a male, who has never held a baby before is simply priceless!

There is nothing harder than leaving the hospital without your child, even if they are perfectly fine and nothing is wrong your heart will beak, you will cry and you will be angry.  

Grandparents and other visitors are wonderful but I wish I had asked them not to come or at least asked them to stay in a hotel rather than stay with us.  Your body is recovering from trauma, your life will forever be different, you are figuring out what it means to be a family and all you want to do an snuggle and bond with that little bundle of joy which makes it incredibly hard to be happy to hand them over to anyone else, including your husband.

If you labor at all your entire body will hurt.  If you push it will hurt in indifferent ways than if you have a c-section but either way it will hurt the next day because you worked hard to have this beautiful little baby.  I did not expect my arms and back to ach as much as they did, even propping myself up in bed took incredible effort.

This one is from a little further down the line: the first time or twelve you tell your beautiful child "no" after they pull your hair or try to put soap in their mouthes and they laugh at you it's really hard not to laugh back.

A Hard Life Lesson That I'm Still No Good At

I want to preface this post by saying that I've always thought of myself as being good at taking care of myself and I don't mean that in a "I can pay the bills and do the dishes" kind of way but in a "self care, mental/emotional" kind of way.  That being said, here we go:

A few weeks ago Frank went with an amazing group of youth and adults to Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota for a weeklong mission trip.  They had an amazing time and brought back many memories and new friendships.  I however, stayed at home with Natalie.  This at-home-ness was simultaneously wonderful and downright difficult.  It was so much fun to be with out little girl and watch her learn and grow, take long naps together and play the day away but it was difficult when she would get fussy or I would get overwhelmed and have no partner there to step in, instead I just had to suck it up and deal.  This at-home-ness was also really lonely with no one to share my day with or just chat with over dinner especially when juxtaposed with the stories of deepening relationships and intense community that were being shared by my husband.

It was a hard week but because I was relatively on my own, my routine had to change up and this was where a lot of joy was found.  During a normal week, Frank and I get up early, he goes and works out while I get ready and hang out with Natalie.  When he gets back I go workout and am often back by the time he's done showering and ready to head off to work at which point I pray Natalie naps or plays while I shower and we go about our day from there.  My days are filled with trying to sneak things into our schedule so as to not burden Frank with having Natalie at the office for too long, because let's face it, I know better than anyone how hard it can be to get things done with her around.  But this week was different, I didn't have my spouse to switch off with and had to find something different.  Instead, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I dropped Natalie off with Heather our wonderful church secretary for an hour or so (usually turned into a full morning of visiting) while I went and worked out, grabbed a shower and maybe moved the laundry. This was actually a great arrangement as I think Heather was a little lonely in the office being the entire rest of the office staff was gone on the mission trip as well.  And on Tuesday and Thursday I dropped her off with a couple of girls while I got my workout in, went to the barn and got some housework done.  They generally had her for about 4 hours and it was wonderful.  

This simple act of lineing people up to watch Natalie for small chunks of the day was so wonderful because it allowed me not only time away and to myself but it also allowed me to not feel rushed.  I didn't feel rushed to start my workout, I didn't feel rushed to get through my workout and I didn't feel rushed to get a shower, or go to the barn or do some chores around the house which in turn allowed me to enjoy the things which feed my soul as well as get some projects done, keep the house clean and enjoy all of it!  

You see, I learned during this week that I am terrible at taking care of myself and that I need to be quicker and better at asking for help.  I put everyone elses needs before my own unless forced.  But when I finally asked for help, I realized that there is a better way that allows me to better care for my own needs, physically, emotionally and spiritually but it also allows me to better care for those around me.  This is the hardest lesson ever and I know that I'm not the only person who struggles with it.  It's why we talked so much at the seminary about "self care" and I thought I was doing it right, exercising, taking time for devotions or artistic activities, and going to the barn to see my horse but I was failing miserably.  All these things that feed and nourish me were being rushed and becoming little more than things on my to do list.  I learned again what it means to ask for help so that I could really take care of myself and in so doing I was able to see how enjoyable everything I was experiencing could be, including  a fussy baby.

This lesson has hit home even more these two weeks since Frank has been back because I feel back in that place of rushing to help lessen his burden while he is at work and because of it everything is suffering.  I'm crankier, I don't enjoy much of the day to day and I am getting NOTHING done.  Apparently eventhough I learned this valuable lesson I'm still incredibly terrible at asking for help and taking care of myself.  Don't worry, I'm working on it.

The Struggle is Real: Fitness After Baby

A little over a year ago I began googling all things baby.  Things to be aware of while trying to conceive, tips for a successful pregnancy and even some postpartum exercise tips.  The trouble is that no matter how many hours you spend wandering around the internet nothing can truly prepare you for pregnancy and life with a new baby.  As a matter of fact after spending way more hours than I care to admit on the internet and reading books there are even many things that people just don't tell you.  One of these omitted topics is the realities of your body and fitness post baby.

The reality is that this is no longer the body that I knew and it takes time to get reacquainted with this new version. The body that I worked so hard for now carries extra weight and sagging skin.  The relatively flat stomach I once had now has a bulge of worn out muscles and is adorned by an array of stretch marks.  And my clothes that once fit no longer do and I'm not sure that they ever will because along with the extra weight also came a widening of my hips which you just can't make smaller no matter how many crunches, squats or how long of runs you go on.  This new body has been hard for me to love; the beautiful life that came from it has not but let's be honest no matter how worth it she may be that doesn't overshadow or replace the fact that this is a difficult adjustment.  And what is even more important is to remember that feeling this way does not make me a bad mother, it simply makes me a woman who is once again fighting through body issues that she thought she had moved past.

Now, learning to love my new body might be easier if the following two topic were not also among the omitted list of things discussed surrounding motherhood.

1. The realities of Nutrition. 

Having talked to many new moms I know that sometimes just getting a meal in can be difficult and because of this some women lose their baby weight quickly due to the fact that they simply are not eating.  I also know that some women are lucky to shed the pounds quickly and easily.  I however, have not experienced either of these things.  I love food and it is always a priority, not to mention have a loving husband who leaves for work after I am up for the day, comes home for lunch, is always home for dinner and if things are crazy because of our beautiful little girl will always make me something to eat.  Also, my body holds onto things like water and fat like it's constantly storing up for a long journey or harsh winter.  

So, as the weeks and months have gone on I have been on a quest to figure out this whole eating thing and it's simply not as easy as it once was.  Before baby I knew roughly how many net calories I needed in a day, I knew how to adjust for an easier or harder workout and I knew how to make healthy choices in the types of food I ate and I knew how to splurge appropriately.  Now, post baby, I am at a loss and the resources available haven't been overly helpful.  I am breast feeding which means that I need to not only feed myself but also little Miss. Natalie.  I need to lose some of this weight because my body hurts from the extra.  And I need to once again figure out how to make the healthy choices and splurge appropriately.  Between the exhaustion and the rollercoastering emotions and hormones all I really want to do is eat pizza and cookie dough and that is not helpful as I try to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle.  To top all of this off, the only information I a have found about nutrition post baby is that you should consume anywhere between 200 and 500 extra calories a day when breast feeding, to be careful not to reduce your caloric intake too much because your milk supply can drop and that you shouldn't worry about your calories at all and just eat when you' really hungry.  Can I just say that none of that is helpful and if I just ate when I was hungry I'd never stop eating because I am constantly hungry.

After 2 months of struggling with this, I think I'm finally on the right track.  I have finally figured out that I need a target of 2,000-2,100 calories a day and that I cannot feel bad about going over that on occasion.  I need to have healthy snacks in the house so that I can grab something quick and easy throughout the day and similarly I cannot have unhealthy foods in the house because I will polish off all of it without a second glance; I have no ability to portion control junk food!  I have to remember that a little hungry is good.  I know none of these things are new, in fact they are pretty basic to anyone who has ever tried to be on a good healthy eating plan but this is the most I have ever struggled with it.

2. The realities of Workouts.

When you look online, you find all these pictures of cute thin moms walking with their babies in front caries or pushing jogging strollers with smiles on their faces and to this I call Bull Shit!  Two winters ago my husband and I thought it would be a good idea to do Insanity and I think that was easier than the workouts I've done in the last few months.  

Last summer my goal was to do my first triathlon, not fast mind you but just to finish it.  I was excited for it and I was working hard and then we got pregnant and that goal would have to wait until after the baby was born.  That time has now arrived and eventhough I knew it would be hard I picked a triathlon at the end of August and set my sights on getting my fitness level to the point where I could simply finish the race, nothing fast, just finishing.  I put together my workout plan which has on average 4 days of moderate activity (running, swimming or biking), 2 days of yoga and a day off.  None of these workouts are crazy difficult and it should be a gentle training plan.  However with the realities of being a new mom I find myself constantly fatigued, burnt out and wanting to cry when I look at my bike or running shoes.  Fatigue is the enemy and it makes the recovery process between workouts difficult.  And so I take naps, I adjust my workout schedule to an activity that doesn't make me want to cry, I push through and sometimes I take an extra day off or 4.  My muscles are constantly tired and my body aches but at the end of a run or bike or swim I almost always feel better and when I don't I eat a bowl of ice cream.  I know that I could put the triathlon on hold another year and no one would think less of me and I could spend my summer going on easy runs a few times a week but then I'd eleven get anywhere.  I'd stay stuck in the bad habits I've been forming and it would be impossible to get out and get going.  

No one ever said it would be easy to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle after having a baby but no one ever said it would be this hard either (mentally, emotionally and physically).  The struggle is real and I wish we'd be more honest about that.  If someone had it's possible I would have been more prepared.  If more people were honest about the emotional, physical and mental struggles of post-partum life it might be easier to admit that there are days we just want to give up and eat a whole pizza and a quart of ice cream. If we were more honest about this it might be easier to hear encouragement from one another and keep going rather than giving up altogether.  The struggle is real my friends and I hate it with every ounce of my being but I think and hope that it's worth it.

After one of my first runs, feeling like a sausage in my barely fitting running clothes but happy to have accomplished a workout and get to come home to a snuggly baby.

Living in the Inbetween Time Sucks Sometimes

Ok so first off, I've once again been a terrible blogger, especially considering I have a list of blog topics on my computer that I am still hoping to get to that date back to Advent...maybe if I wait long enough it will just look like I'm ahead of the game. 

Secondly, I'm living in the Inbetween time and have been for many many months now and I'm over it.  Over the past year a lot has happened.  I found out that I was pregnant and we joyfully (well most ofthe  time, pregnancy is hard!) awaited the birth of our beautiful little girl Natalie who was born on March 2, 2014.  I finished up internship which I was done with exactly one week prior to Natalie's birth.  I have been the "interim secretary", a title I gave myself, for Frank's church.  I have been a stay at home mom who has struggled with all that that entails mentally, physically, emotionally.  I graduated seminary.  And I am awaiting first call.  Can we just stop and marvel for a moment at all these iLife events that have taken place?

Ok, marveling time is over.  The fact of the matter is that along with all these life events comes a geat deal of the unknown and the Inbetween.  And with all this unknown and Inbetween times have come a lot of anxiety, anger and resentment which I tend to be really good at hiding behind a mask of excitement and easy-going-ness but I'm so exhausted that I'm starting to crack.  I have resentment toward my classmates who have a call already.  I have anger at my husband who never seems to "see" the things that need to be done around the house (this is by way no reflection on him at all!  He washed the diapers, unloaded, reloaded and started the dishes without being asked today.  It is simply that my eyes are clouded by the fact that it took me 5 days to wash, dry and fold 6 loads of laundry and 2loads of diapers this week).  I feel annoyed that I have spent so much time and energy cultivating my gifts for ministry and am so ready to use them and have had exactly 0 interviews.  And along with that I am frustrated that we have found ourselves in uncut a loving and wonderful community and had we not found ourselves here I would probably have a call by now.  And probably most importantly I feel angry with myself for feeling all these things.

So as I sat in the bath tub tonight drinking a glass of wine, trying to stuff all these feelings back down into the depths of my being and reading "Pastrix" I realized that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  We all have Inbetween times which weigh us down and cause us to overthink and over-internalize.  So tonight I let myself feel my feeling.  I let them bubble up and step out into the daylight without trying to stuff them back down into their depths.  And I relized something about myself.  All this anxiety, frustration and anger all comes from simultaneously looking back at how hard I worked to finish school, set up my house, have a baby and so on as well as looking forward to all that lies ahead of me, being a mother, starting not only my first call but an entirely new career which I'm not to entirely convinced I was prepared for and all that remains to be unseen.  I relized that in the midst of this anxiety and frustration producing looking back and forward there was no space to simply be present in the moment which leaves no space to hear people's stories, no space to be open to the spirit to to the ministry that God is calling me (I guess I don't need to wait for a call to be involved with God's ministry), no space to enjoy spending time with my beautiful little Natalie and so on.  I don't know if realizing this is the hard part or the easy part but I do know that from here on out when I get bogged down by these frustrations, anger and resentments that I need to try hard to take a step back and see what is infront of sme rather than what once was and what may be.

Living in the Inbetween time can really suck sometimes but it can also be a great excuse to live in the moment and there's a funny kind of freedoms about that.