The reality is that this is no longer the body that I knew and it takes time to get reacquainted with this new version. The body that I worked so hard for now carries extra weight and sagging skin. The relatively flat stomach I once had now has a bulge of worn out muscles and is adorned by an array of stretch marks. And my clothes that once fit no longer do and I'm not sure that they ever will because along with the extra weight also came a widening of my hips which you just can't make smaller no matter how many crunches, squats or how long of runs you go on. This new body has been hard for me to love; the beautiful life that came from it has not but let's be honest no matter how worth it she may be that doesn't overshadow or replace the fact that this is a difficult adjustment. And what is even more important is to remember that feeling this way does not make me a bad mother, it simply makes me a woman who is once again fighting through body issues that she thought she had moved past.
Now, learning to love my new body might be easier if the following two topic were not also among the omitted list of things discussed surrounding motherhood.
1. The realities of Nutrition.
Having talked to many new moms I know that sometimes just getting a meal in can be difficult and because of this some women lose their baby weight quickly due to the fact that they simply are not eating. I also know that some women are lucky to shed the pounds quickly and easily. I however, have not experienced either of these things. I love food and it is always a priority, not to mention have a loving husband who leaves for work after I am up for the day, comes home for lunch, is always home for dinner and if things are crazy because of our beautiful little girl will always make me something to eat. Also, my body holds onto things like water and fat like it's constantly storing up for a long journey or harsh winter.
So, as the weeks and months have gone on I have been on a quest to figure out this whole eating thing and it's simply not as easy as it once was. Before baby I knew roughly how many net calories I needed in a day, I knew how to adjust for an easier or harder workout and I knew how to make healthy choices in the types of food I ate and I knew how to splurge appropriately. Now, post baby, I am at a loss and the resources available haven't been overly helpful. I am breast feeding which means that I need to not only feed myself but also little Miss. Natalie. I need to lose some of this weight because my body hurts from the extra. And I need to once again figure out how to make the healthy choices and splurge appropriately. Between the exhaustion and the rollercoastering emotions and hormones all I really want to do is eat pizza and cookie dough and that is not helpful as I try to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle. To top all of this off, the only information I a have found about nutrition post baby is that you should consume anywhere between 200 and 500 extra calories a day when breast feeding, to be careful not to reduce your caloric intake too much because your milk supply can drop and that you shouldn't worry about your calories at all and just eat when you' really hungry. Can I just say that none of that is helpful and if I just ate when I was hungry I'd never stop eating because I am constantly hungry.
After 2 months of struggling with this, I think I'm finally on the right track. I have finally figured out that I need a target of 2,000-2,100 calories a day and that I cannot feel bad about going over that on occasion. I need to have healthy snacks in the house so that I can grab something quick and easy throughout the day and similarly I cannot have unhealthy foods in the house because I will polish off all of it without a second glance; I have no ability to portion control junk food! I have to remember that a little hungry is good. I know none of these things are new, in fact they are pretty basic to anyone who has ever tried to be on a good healthy eating plan but this is the most I have ever struggled with it.
2. The realities of Workouts.
When you look online, you find all these pictures of cute thin moms walking with their babies in front caries or pushing jogging strollers with smiles on their faces and to this I call Bull Shit! Two winters ago my husband and I thought it would be a good idea to do Insanity and I think that was easier than the workouts I've done in the last few months.
Last summer my goal was to do my first triathlon, not fast mind you but just to finish it. I was excited for it and I was working hard and then we got pregnant and that goal would have to wait until after the baby was born. That time has now arrived and eventhough I knew it would be hard I picked a triathlon at the end of August and set my sights on getting my fitness level to the point where I could simply finish the race, nothing fast, just finishing. I put together my workout plan which has on average 4 days of moderate activity (running, swimming or biking), 2 days of yoga and a day off. None of these workouts are crazy difficult and it should be a gentle training plan. However with the realities of being a new mom I find myself constantly fatigued, burnt out and wanting to cry when I look at my bike or running shoes. Fatigue is the enemy and it makes the recovery process between workouts difficult. And so I take naps, I adjust my workout schedule to an activity that doesn't make me want to cry, I push through and sometimes I take an extra day off or 4. My muscles are constantly tired and my body aches but at the end of a run or bike or swim I almost always feel better and when I don't I eat a bowl of ice cream. I know that I could put the triathlon on hold another year and no one would think less of me and I could spend my summer going on easy runs a few times a week but then I'd eleven get anywhere. I'd stay stuck in the bad habits I've been forming and it would be impossible to get out and get going.
No one ever said it would be easy to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle after having a baby but no one ever said it would be this hard either (mentally, emotionally and physically). The struggle is real and I wish we'd be more honest about that. If someone had it's possible I would have been more prepared. If more people were honest about the emotional, physical and mental struggles of post-partum life it might be easier to admit that there are days we just want to give up and eat a whole pizza and a quart of ice cream. If we were more honest about this it might be easier to hear encouragement from one another and keep going rather than giving up altogether. The struggle is real my friends and I hate it with every ounce of my being but I think and hope that it's worth it.
After one of my first runs, feeling like a sausage in my barely fitting running clothes but happy to have accomplished a workout and get to come home to a snuggly baby.
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