A few weeks ago Frank went with an amazing group of youth and adults to Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota for a weeklong mission trip. They had an amazing time and brought back many memories and new friendships. I however, stayed at home with Natalie. This at-home-ness was simultaneously wonderful and downright difficult. It was so much fun to be with out little girl and watch her learn and grow, take long naps together and play the day away but it was difficult when she would get fussy or I would get overwhelmed and have no partner there to step in, instead I just had to suck it up and deal. This at-home-ness was also really lonely with no one to share my day with or just chat with over dinner especially when juxtaposed with the stories of deepening relationships and intense community that were being shared by my husband.
It was a hard week but because I was relatively on my own, my routine had to change up and this was where a lot of joy was found. During a normal week, Frank and I get up early, he goes and works out while I get ready and hang out with Natalie. When he gets back I go workout and am often back by the time he's done showering and ready to head off to work at which point I pray Natalie naps or plays while I shower and we go about our day from there. My days are filled with trying to sneak things into our schedule so as to not burden Frank with having Natalie at the office for too long, because let's face it, I know better than anyone how hard it can be to get things done with her around. But this week was different, I didn't have my spouse to switch off with and had to find something different. Instead, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I dropped Natalie off with Heather our wonderful church secretary for an hour or so (usually turned into a full morning of visiting) while I went and worked out, grabbed a shower and maybe moved the laundry. This was actually a great arrangement as I think Heather was a little lonely in the office being the entire rest of the office staff was gone on the mission trip as well. And on Tuesday and Thursday I dropped her off with a couple of girls while I got my workout in, went to the barn and got some housework done. They generally had her for about 4 hours and it was wonderful.
This simple act of lineing people up to watch Natalie for small chunks of the day was so wonderful because it allowed me not only time away and to myself but it also allowed me to not feel rushed. I didn't feel rushed to start my workout, I didn't feel rushed to get through my workout and I didn't feel rushed to get a shower, or go to the barn or do some chores around the house which in turn allowed me to enjoy the things which feed my soul as well as get some projects done, keep the house clean and enjoy all of it!
You see, I learned during this week that I am terrible at taking care of myself and that I need to be quicker and better at asking for help. I put everyone elses needs before my own unless forced. But when I finally asked for help, I realized that there is a better way that allows me to better care for my own needs, physically, emotionally and spiritually but it also allows me to better care for those around me. This is the hardest lesson ever and I know that I'm not the only person who struggles with it. It's why we talked so much at the seminary about "self care" and I thought I was doing it right, exercising, taking time for devotions or artistic activities, and going to the barn to see my horse but I was failing miserably. All these things that feed and nourish me were being rushed and becoming little more than things on my to do list. I learned again what it means to ask for help so that I could really take care of myself and in so doing I was able to see how enjoyable everything I was experiencing could be, including a fussy baby.
This lesson has hit home even more these two weeks since Frank has been back because I feel back in that place of rushing to help lessen his burden while he is at work and because of it everything is suffering. I'm crankier, I don't enjoy much of the day to day and I am getting NOTHING done. Apparently eventhough I learned this valuable lesson I'm still incredibly terrible at asking for help and taking care of myself. Don't worry, I'm working on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment