Confessions of a Mom...or me...or whatever

My sermon this week is based on the 2nd and 3rd chapters of Genesis or the second story of creation and eventual fall of humanity.  As I began thinking of adam, the earth creature, my train of thought went to my blog (Hebrew nerds out there may understand that train of thought better than others) and how I've neglected it and then, in a full circle kind of way, began to think of my own utter earthiness.

In the first creation story in Genesis we hear about how humans were created in the likeness or image of God and in the second we hear about how we have been created out of mud, dust, dirt...you know the thing everyone wants to be created out of.

In my own life I wish that I could find more of those moments of being in the image of God.  Those moments of creativity, light, life, and joy.  But lately, I certainly feel much more like that woman created from the mud and dirt and grime.  I say this not as the girl who loves to feel deeply rooted in creation, to feel the mud between my toes; that being who feels richly connected with God when out in the created world.  No, I say this as a girl who feels disconnected, dirty, broken, cast out.

You see, I have a lot of moments where I feel like a terrible mom.  I know this is not a new feeling for many but I feel its full weight lately.   My house is never clean.  I don't spend as much time with my family as I would like because I work full time.  Being a pastor, I never get to sit with my family during church and get to share in the richness of holding a hymnal open and snuggling during the sermon and passing this beautiful tradition on to my daughter.  I often lose my temper when my two year old is pushing boundaries and then feel guilty that I wasn't more patient.  I get angry or grumpy or irritated with people that I love.  And lately with a two year old who doesn't like to go to bed, who wants to climb in and sleep next to us, who gets up at 4am, I am so tired and I try and try to set boundaries so that we all can get better sleep but it takes time and energy and I don't know when to hold those boundaries firmly to create consistency and when to let them bend or break to keep the peace and foster rest and love and comfort.  I feel as though I am always at a loss, like I am one step away from getting and doing and saying everything wrong.  I feel like a creature built of the mud, whose cracks are starting to show as she gets dried out. 

And as I type this, I cry.  I cry because I know it is true and I know it is silly and I know that many others have or do feel all these things and more.  I cry because we live and a world made of people who are also made of mud, who constantly get things wrong and do and say things that hurt one another; that we have to be worried about pain and violence and suffering not only in the world but in our own lives.  I cry because I don't know how to do the one thing that I want so badly to do: to fix it; suddenly turning into someone who always gets and does and says the right things, someone who has more patience and can work full time, keep a clean house and spend glorious joy-filled moments with her family.  And I cry because I know that that perfection is not possible, no matter how much I wish it were.

Today I feel like this earth creature, created out of mud and dust and dirt and a giant part of me wanted to leave this post as a lament, filled with those deep feelings of inadequacy and brokenness but that other part of me, maybe it's the pastor part, maybe it's the part that was created in the image of God, maybe it's both, just couldn't leave this post there.  Because underneath all of this is hope, hope for those moments of light and life and joy and creativity, moments of love and peace, moments of snuggles on the couch and whispered "I Love You"s, moments of laughter.  I have the hope of being someone created of more than just mud and dirt and grime, the hope of being someone lovingly crafted in the image of God, of the very canvas that God used to create all the beauty around me.  It doesn't mean that I feel it every day, but it is my hope to feel it just a little more in each of those moments when I feel at my worst; to be reminded in those moments of frustration and anger that I was created out of more than just dirt and grime.  So I guess, I will hold on to hope.  I will hold on to the first creation story, the reminder that even I, in all my earthy glory, was created in the image of God.

Hats, Hats and More Hats!

This month, the WELCA ladies at one of my churches hosted a breakfast and the theme was "Hats off to Prayer."  It was a fun morning filled with old hats and many stories of mothers and grandmothers along with some nice thoughts about prayer and, as always, plenty of good food.


And between this little get together and the fact that it's derby time, I have been thinking a lot about hats lately, and more specifically the hats that I wear on a regular basis.

So, let's start with the most easily recognizable ones:

1. I am a mom.  This is a hat that I love!  I love being a mom and a wife and everything that comes with it.

 2. I am a Pastor.  This is one of my callings in the world.  I love being able to lead worship and be with people in this beautiful and broken world.

 3. I am a fairly creative person.  I am happiest and more pleasant to be around when I am feeding my creativity and digging into a new project.

 4. I love animals and I especially love any chance I get to spend with my two horses.

 These are just four of the hats that I wear.  To them you could also easily add a chef's hat, a wife hat, an "athlete" hat (and don't worry, I use that phrase very loosely), a friend hat, a daughter hat, a sister hat and the list goes on and on.

I love wearing each and every one of these hats.  As a matter of fact, I usually try my hardest to not do anything that I dislike too terribly much, which is why my house is not all that clean.  But the trouble comes when I try to balance too many hats at once.  Yes, there are often times where I balance 2 or 3 hats at once with little or no problem.  For example: yesterday while driving home, I got a phone call from the funeral home and while on the phone with our amazing funeral director my daughter sat in the back seat screaming at the top of her lungs "NO TALKING MOMMY!!!!!!".  She was tired, as was I and we both needed some quiet time to decompress after long and tiring days.  It happens to all of us, the need to juggle hats from time to time.

But lately I have realized that I can only juggle so many hats for so long before I begin dropping them.  Lately I have felt burnt out, exhausted, inefficient, and not enough.  And this has led me, from time to time to put on this hat...

...the crazy person hat.  And for those of you who have experienced that, I am sorry, but it happens.

And as I sat in that quiet car, post conversation with the funeral director, letting both my daughter and myself decompress, I began to see this theme of "Hats off to prayer" in a different way.  I began to realize that it doesn't matter how many hats you have to juggle.  What matters is that from time to time you must take your hats off and put on the only one that truly matters.  The one that reminds you that you are a beloved child of God, the one that allows you to let go of all the other stuff and simply spend time with your creator, that lets go of the judgment and the anxiety of not being enough, of occasionally dropping a hat and tells you that you are perfect in your imperfection and loved deeply.

Now, I'm not gonna say that this realization has drastically changed my life in 24 hours but it did change the rest of that car ride home.  For at least those thirty minutes I could simply be present in the moment, let go of the hats that I wasn't wearing at the time but worrying over anyway and settle into a quiet moment with God.

Then I pulled into the driveway and started putting my hats back on.  My mom hat, my chef hat as I got dinner on the table, my pastor hat as I dealt with more phone calls regarding funeral arrangements and 100 other things.  The hats never come off fully but I am trying to remember that I also carry on my head the hat of child of God that bids me, from time to time, to take the others off and remember to be still and know our God.

Here We Go: My Confessions on Same-Sex Marriage

Social media has a way of connecting us with people and parts of the country that would otherwise be relegated to newspaper stories or family Christmas letters.  For better or worse we are now connected to others in ways we previously were not.  And that means that sometimes we get sucked into debates that our common sense tells us to otherwise avoid.

And last night I got sucked in and I couldn't remain silent anymore.

With all the posts lately about the shooting in Charleston, the burning of churches and the recent SCOTUS ruling on "Gay Marriage" my facebook feed has been full of pain, fear, anger, and joy.  On Friday my feed blew up with people celebrating the fact that people in same gender relationships can now be legally married and recognized as a family and afforded the rights they deserve as human beings in this country.  But this week the tables have turned as the news has caught up and I have begun to see posts arguing the "sanctity of marriage" and the fact that our country is now encouraging people to continue in their "sinful" lives.

I have until this point remained silent.  I have not celebrated or condemned, I have not stood for or against.  I have remained a bystander on this stage where so much is happening so fast and so many with voices louder than mine are booming forth.  I have stayed silent, telling myself that I have not yet made a decision, telling myself that this topic has little place in our concervative community, telling myself that I have little to offer on the subject and little ground to stand on as a white, married, woman.

But those were lies I told myself.  The truth is that I was afraid.  I was afraid to take a stand.  Afraid because I do not feel qualified.  Afraid of what my family might think or say.  Afraid because I grew up in a church full of loving people who think that homosexuality is a sin.  Afraid of what my conservative NW MN congregation might think.  Afraid that in taking a stand that I might inadvertantly use my position as pastor in a way that might hurt someone.

But last night I got sucked in and could stay silent no more.  The more I typed on this facebook argument, the more I realized that I had in fact made my choice and taken my stand.  I had chosen to stand boldly with my brothers and sisters in the LGBTQ community.  I could stay silent no more as I read hurtful, hateful things under the name of "Christianity" that do nothing other than turn people away from our loving God.  Sins are not mine to judge, and to be honest I'm not sure I can even claim homosexuality as a sin.  You can quote Bible verses at me all you like and I can quote them back with historical context, show you studies and introduce you to failful loving people who happen to be a member of the LGBTQ community.  You will not sway my opinion any more than I will sway yours.  My hope is in a God that loves us deeper than we will ever know and that calls us to radical hospitality and love of the neighbor.  So I will do that.  I will stand here and refuse to be silent anymore.  I will claim love for my neighbor whether they are homosexual or black or any number of other thing that makes them one of the least and the last.

And so as my husband wrote in his much more eloquent blog post: http://pawntoking4.blogspot.com/2015/07/why-this-pastor-is-for-same-sex-marriage.html?spref=fb
"I am a sinner; I may be at fault here. I may be interpreting the word of God wrongly. Lord knows, I can make mistakes. I submit this humbly, but at least if I make a mistake here it will be out of love for my neighbor, especially the one who is persecuted. And I will err that way all day long."

Call Stories: A Sermon on Jonah 3:1-5, 10 and Mark 1:14-20

Jonah 3:1-5

The word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time, saying, “Get up, go to Nineveh, that great city, and proclaim to it the message that I tell you.” So Jonah set out and went to Nineveh, according to the word of the Lord. Now Nineveh was an exceedingly large city, a three days’ walk across. Jonah began to go into the city, going a day’s walk. And he cried out, “Forty days more, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!”
And the people of Nineveh believed God; they proclaimed a fast, and everyone, great and small, put on sackcloth.

Mark 1:14-20

Now after John was arrested, Jesus came to Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God, and saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God has come near; repent, and believe in the good news.”

As Jesus passed along the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the sea—for they were fishermen. And Jesus said to them, “Follow me and I will make you fish for people.” And immediately they left their nets and followed him. As he went a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John, who were in their boat mending the nets. Immediately he called them; and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men, and followed him.

Sermon:
 Out of my distress I called to you, O Lord,
But you did not answer me.

I refused to preach repentance to the Ninevites,
But you forced me,
When I sailed away in the opposite direction,
You hurled a violent wind at me.
Your monster swallowed me and returned me to your path.

Repentance I would not preach to Ninevah,
Rather I cursed them, "forty days more and Ninevah shall be destroyed."

But you did not listen to me.
You listened to the people of Ninevah as they sat in ashes
Covered with sackcloth.

I am angry because you are a gracious and merciful God,
Slow to anger,
Rich in clemency,
Loath to punish.

If you will not destroy Ninevah then give me death.
It is better for me to die than to see my enemy live.

-Thomas Reese

I just love the story of Jonah.

He was the only prophet to ever accomplish his mission and help the people to change their ways and God looks kindly on them.

He's also the only prophet to run away and get swallowed by a whale.

Often this is the part of the story we all remember, Jonah was the guy who got swallowed by a big fish and that tends to be where the story lives and dies. But the story of Jonah is so much more. Jonah is a prophet of God who is called to go to the people of Nineveh who were not very nice people. When Jonah was called to go to these people he seems to know two things: 1. He doesn't even want to give them the chance to repent and be saved and 2. they are not worth his or God's time.

So Jonah runs in the opposite direction, gets on a boat, lies about his profession and ends up in a whole mess of trouble. God does not like that Jonah ran away from his call and sends a great storm which threatens to tear apart the boat and somehow Jonah sleeps through it. The sailors find him asleep and cast lots to see which of them has brought the storm upon them. The lots fall on Jonah and as he tells them his story the men came to believe in God because of his powerful acts and Jonah eventually tells them to cast him overboard to save the ship. Even in the middle of the sea, God provides for Jonah and he is swallowed by a huge fish and vomited out onto dry land.

God then seems to call a redo and calls Jonah a second time. This time, covered in fish vomit he begins his walk to Nineveh and once he is there and finds his way to the city center he proclaims to the people, not the words of repentance The Lord gave him but instead he tells them that God will destroy them for their wicked ways. The amazing thing is that even though Jonah's harsh delivery they all repented and turned to God.

Jonah couldn't believe this and left the city and sat down on the hill awaiting their imminent destruction. He waited there and prayed for their destruction. While he sat and pouted God grew him a shade tree and then sent a worm to eat it overnight. When Jonah awoke he was angry about the tree being struck down and God spoke to him asking why he is so mad about the destruction of one I little bush but was so happy to see the destruction of all of Nineveh, after all they are Part of God's creation too.

And this is where we leave Jonah, the reluctant and pouty prophet who did his job poorly and yet still did God's work and shared God's word to a people in need.

In today's Gospel, we hear the calling of Simon, Andrew, James and John, four fishermen who drop what they are doing to follow Christ. In this story very little is spoken, Christ simply says "come, follow me, and they drop what they are doing and do just that.

They are called and they follow at a moment's notice and spend the next three years learning about the depths of repentance and God's love for his people. even when they don't understand it all the time, they keep with it.

The story of their calling is incredibly different than that of Jonah's and these stories are different from every other biblical character who is called and every person who has been called since then.

Sometimes people think that God just calls people like pastors but the truth is that God calls each and every one of us into some kind of work. God called Jonah to speak words of repentance and love to the people of Nineveh, God called Simon, Andrew, James, and John to follow Christ, listen to his teachings and learn. Some are called to be doctors or lawyers or janitors or parents. Not one calling is better than another. Not all callings are careers, some are hobbies or volunteer work. Sometimes, like Jonah, it takes a giant fish and a second or third or twentieth call before we listen.

So what is God calling you to do today? How is God wanting you to share his love?

Water: A Sermon on Mark 1:4-12

Mark 1:4-12
"John the baptizer appeared in the wilderness, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And people from the whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem were going out to him, and were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins. Now John was clothed with camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist, and he ate locusts and wild honey. He proclaimed, “The one who is more powerful than I is coming after me; I am not worthy to stoop down and untie the thong of his sandals. I have baptized you with water; but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”

In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. And just as he was coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens torn apart and the Spirit descending like a dove on him. And a voice came from heaven, “You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased.”

And the Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness."

Sermon:

Water is such an interesting image isn't it? Water is needed for life. We have to drink water or we will die. Our land needs water or the plants will wither away and refuse to grow. The sound of a babbling brook or gentle lapping waves calm us. And yet water is also powerful and destructive. Too much water and we can drown. Too much Water can cause flooding of homes and land. Quick moving water can cause Houses and people can be swept away.

Water is something we seek to live in balance with and even at times try to control because it is wild and powerful.

That is why I love these readings today. In Genesis we hear of the creation of the earth. One translation says, "when God began to create the heavens and the earth, the earth was wild and waste, utter darkness covered the deep, and the Spirit of God was brooding over the face of the waters. Then God said, "let there be light!" And there was light!"

The blank canvas that God was working with to create the world we know was nothing but chaotic and tumultuous water. It was a wild wasteland. And God shaped it and formed it and brought order to the chaos, tamed the wildness and spoke life into the wasteland.

In Mark's Gospel we hear the story of John and Jesus. John is a man who seems at home in the wildness and the wasteland of the desert that he lives in. He wears clothes made of camels hair and a leather belt and eats locusts and wild honey. He lives in the desert and people come to him to hear his proclamations of the coming Lord and he baptizes people in the Jordan, a river which brings life to the desolateness of the desert.

Jesus eventually comes to him to be baptized. And amidst John's baptism with water the voice of God speaks. The same voice of God which spoke over the waters at the creation of the world spoke over Jesus, naming him and claiming him as his own and then sending him out into the wildness and chaos and the wasteland of the desert.

God's voice and the waters are so interconnected throughout the Bible and it's this connection that we have all experienced in our own baptism.

The Spirit of God who brooded over the chaotic waters of creation descended on Jesus in the waters of the Jordan and names him Beloved and that same spirit drives him out into the wilderness. That same Spirit of God descends on each and every one of us in baptism and names us beloved. These chaotic and wild waters of baptism drown us to our own life and make us alive in Christ and Just as Jesus was driven into the wilderness by the Spirit, we too are called to live out this new life in the wild and chaotic and beautiful world that God loves so much and created for us.

**After the sermon, I invited the children forward and talked with them about baptism and had them mark the sign of the cross on one another with water from the font.  We then invited everyone in the congregation forward and had the children mark everyone with the sign of the cross.  I then ended the sermon time with the following blessing which was in our "Taking Faith Home" insert: "In your baptism God adopted you as a beloved child and gave you the Holly Spirit.  Remember today that you belong to God.  +May the spirit of God move over you and in you, filling you with faith, hope, love and peace.  Amen."**

The Shepherd: A Christmas Eve Sermon on Luke 2:8-26

I was a little nervous about this sermon, but it seemed to be well received, let me know what you think!

Luke 2:8-26
"In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. All went to their own towns to be registered. Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David. He went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. Then an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for see—I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people: to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace among those whom he favors!” When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let us go now to Bethlehem and see this thing that has taken place, which the Lord has made known to us.” So they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the child lying in the manger. When they saw this, they made known what had been told them about this child; and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds told them. But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them."

You are never going to believe what happened tonight!

A couple of my friends and I were shepherding just outside Bethlehem.
The sheep had just bedded down for the night and We were just sitting in the field, trading stories and keeping an eye out for predators like we do every night. And all of a sudden there's this bright white light and this Angel is standing right in front of us! It was seriously the scariest thing I've ever experienced in my life. But then the angel said, "do not be afraid." And the crazy thing was that I wasn't afraid anymore, it's like it had just melted away. Then the angel started telling us this story about how the Son of God, the Messiah was born in the city of David and that we could find him wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger. And then there were all these other angels and they were singing praise to God and then all of a sudden they were just gone!

Well we all stood there shocked for a few minutes and finally one of my friends turned to me and said, "did that just happen?" And i knew deep down that it had and that what the angel said was true. I was so excited to get back into the city and find this child. It took us about a minute more before someone suggested we go see for ourselves what the angels had told us and we all instantly started walking. And as we walked in silence I couldn't help but start thinking about everything that had just happened. I started to think about my sheep and wonder if they would be alright while we were gone. And then I started to wonder why the angel had come to us. I mean we're just a bunch of shepherds, nobody ever invites us anywhere. We take care of other people's animals, we hang out in the field most every day and night because most of us are pretty antisocial and we're all pretty rough around the edges. And yet, the angel came to us, wow God must really love us to share such amazing news with us lowly shepherds.

And then The angel's words came crashing in and I just stopped in my tracks. He said, "I am bringing you good news of great joy for all people." This is not just good news for me and my friends but for everyone! It' snot the kind of news that is good for one person but bad for another. But it's good news for everyone. I don,t really know what that means yet but I have the feeling that this good news is going to change everything and I'm excited to find out.

So we're on our way to see this baby that is the messiah, the good news and great joy for all people. Wanna come with?

Mary, Mary: A Sermon on Luke 1:26-38

This sermon is from the fourth Sunday in Advent (12/21)

Luke 1:26-38
"In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you.” But she was much perplexed by his words and pondered what sort of greeting this might be. The angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High, and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David. He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” The angel said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be holy; he will be called Son of God. And now, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son; and this is the sixth month for her who was said to be barren. For nothing will be impossible with God.” Then Mary said, “Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word.” Then the angel departed from her."

This week we hear the sorry of the Annunciation, the story of Mary hearing that she will become pregnant and bear a son, Jesus. And I'll be honest I was struggling with what direction I should go in. I didn't know if I should focus on Mary or her connection with the prophets or her faithfulness or what. And as I went around and around in circles I did what I often do when I'm in need of inspiration and I opened up my computer and headed for the Ted talks website. If you don't know ted, you should take a few minutes to check it out. Ted stands for Technology, Education and Design and it's short videos, no more than 18 minutes, of people who are experts in their field talking about whatever it is they are passionate about. The speakers range from experts in the medical field with multiple phd's to street musicians and everyone in-between. But I digress....when I sat down at my computer The first video that caught my eye was titled "my daughter Malala". Malala is the brave young woman who is the youngest person ever to win a Nobel Peace Prize, she won it because of her eloquent and passionate push against patriarchal systems which do not allow women to go to school.

This man introduces himself as Malala's father and continues his talk partly telling Malala's story but more so telling the story of his community. He tells us what it's like to grow up in an undeveloped patriarchal society. In these communities, the birth of baby girls are not celebrated and mothers who give birth to girls find themselves sad, shocked and feeling guilty because in their culture men are known for their sons, not their daughters. Daughters are expected to hold the honor of the men in their lives by being quiet, humble, submissive and obedient and they could be killed if they are even thought to have failed to uphold one of those qualities. more than that, he says, throughout history the story of women is the story injustice, inequality, violence and exploitation. One only needs to open the pages of our own Bible to see these same stories played out. There are countless women in the Bible who not only suffer tremendously but are never even named. This cycle of the treatment of women has not changed for thousands of years in some parts of our world.

Perhaps that is why this weeks lesson is so amazing.

Today we meet Mary. She is a young girl living in one of these same patriarchal societies. And when I say young girl I mean barely a teenager. She has been promised to Joseph but she doesn't quite belong to him yet, but she will soon. She has no voice of her own in her daily life and is probably ushered around From place to place by her brothers, father or uncles, not allowed to go anywhere on her own. She is not educated. She is property, the property of her father and the soon to be property of Her husband.

And one night, in the midst of her good, humble, submissive, obedient life, an angel visits her. The angel tells her she is favored, that God is with her, and she is perplexed. She sobs confused because these are words she has never heard before. She is confused because an angel is visiting her rather than one of the men in her household. She is confused because she's never been favored or wanted in her entire life. She is confused because God has chosen her, and called her by name, something that her own brothers may never have done. Do you see why Mary is perplexed?!

God has called quiet, humble, obedient, submissive Mary out of the comfort of the patriarchal world she lives in and asks her to be anything but those things. And what is even more amazing is that the angel tells her what is to come, that she will become pregnant and bear a son who she will name Jesus. The angel does not tell her what has already happened, instead there is a sense that this is ultimately up to Mary to agree to. For the first time in her life she gets a choice in what will happen to her. And she chooses God because God has already chosen her. She knows what agreeing to this divine birth could mean for her. By saying yes she will dishonor her family, she will disobey her father and future husband, she will cease to be submissive to the men in her life. This decision could very easily lead to her death and yet she says yes to God. She breaks the silence and proclaims, "here am I, the servant, the slave, of The Lord, let it be with me according to your word,

Jesus' life begins with a woman who bucks the patriarchal society which she has been steeped in. Jesus' life begins with his mother who dared to say yes to a God who was calling her out even though centuries of tradition were telling her to keep silent and not believe that God would ever speak to her.
Jesus' life begins with a woman who in order to say yes to god, to be humble to God and to help to change and bring honor to the world had to bring dishonor to her entire family.

God chooses for Christ to enter the world in such an extraordinary way that it shatters everything we have ever known. So this miracle birth that we quietly celebrate every year with beautiful songs and thoughts and feelings of joy and peace has a little bit more to the story than we normally tell. When we take Mary off the high pedestal we often keep her on, we meet a young , ordinary girl who did something extraordinary by saying yes to God. This advent and Christmas season is a reminder to us that God calls us, the ordinary people that we are, and asks us to help change the world. Amen.

Here is the video for anyone who would like to see it.

Messengers: A Sermon on Mark 1:1-8

A few people have asked me to start posting my sermons so I suppose I could backtrack and post the sermons I gave through Advent.  This sermon is from the second Sunday in Advent (12/7) and was followed by a discussion about what it means to be a messanger using our "Taking Faith Home" inserts from Vibrant Faith Ministries.  We started using this resource in Advent this year and I wanted to make sure people had encouragement to take them home and use them.

Mark 1:1-8
"The beginning of the good news of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. As it is written in the prophet Isaiah, “See, I am sending my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare your way; the voice of one crying out in the wilderness: ‘Prepare the way of the Lord, make his paths straight,’ ”

John the baptizer appeared in the wilderness, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And people from the whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem were going out to him, and were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins. Now John was clothed with camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist, and he ate locusts and wild honey. He proclaimed, “The one who is more powerful than I is coming after me; I am not worthy to stoop down and untie the thong of his sandals. I have baptized you with water; but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”"

1, 2, 3, ....
Ready or Not, here I come!

How many of you have played Hide and Seek before? It's a childhood favorite. People hide, one person counts and goes out to find those who are hiding. It's an exciting game filled with anticipation.

This Sunday begins our Advent season. It is a time of preparing. A time of waiting. And a time of darkness as we prepare and wait for the light to Come, for the son of God to come into the world and into our lives.

Today we hear the words of the prophets proclaiming the one who is to come. Isaiah tells us that God so a coming. Mark tells us that God is coming soon! Paul tells us God has come and will come again! These are the words of the prophets sharing with us the words of a God who loves us, wants all good things for us and who is done counting and is saying, "ready or not, here I come!" The words of the prophets are an attempt to make sure we are ready rather than startled when God comes to find us.

Hide and seek is such an interesting game. Think about it, if you try to convince a child to sit quietly in a small space for a long time it would fail miserably. But if you add to it that someone is searching for them it suddenly becomes ones of a child's all time favorites. Hide and seek is such a great game because of the seeking. Everyone likes the thrill of waiting to be found and the explosion of energy and chaos which follows.

In today's readings we hear God's messengers telling us that God so a coming and it is during this advent season that we spend anxiously awaiting to be found by a seeking God. These messengers are preparing us for that explosion of energy and chaos that will happen which Christ gets here and finds us. These are messengers yelling, "ready or not, here God comes!"

Living bi-vocationally

This is a post that I started back in November and am just now sitting down to finish.  I'll be honest, it's been a little crazy.  Anyway, here it is:

As I sit here typing from home I have Disney Pandora on and Natalie is swaying to the music "singing" along and I'm thinking about the sermon that I need to write today...hopefully she will take a good long nap so I can do that later.  Today is the day that I live in both worlds.  I am home with Natalie and have a few work things to get done.  That normally means it will take me twice or even three times as long to  get done what I would normally do when I'm on my own.  At first I worried about this, that it would cause frustration but the truth is that it's rather enjoyable because I have nothing but time for both her and my sermon.  

So maybe I should back up.  Last week was my first week back to work since Natalie was born 8 months ago.  This is an awesome amount of time for maternity leave if you can swing it but the reality is that I was awaiting my first call and last week just happened to be when I had the first opportunity to get started.  It's a part time call and it's worked out so that I'll work at the church two full days a week and Natalie will be with a wonderful stay at home mom those days and then I'll finish a few things up from home and obviously I'll have church services on Sundays where Natalie will either her come with me or Frank. 

This is the best of both worlds in a lot of ways.  I have time away to be an adult and follow where God is calling me as a pastor and I also have time at home with my wonderful little girls and get to be a part of her various milestones, play and work on getting things done around the house so that we can enjoy our time as a family without having a bunch of chores to do.

Right now, this is where I'm called and I've been blessed by the opportunity to live out both my vocations.  I am called to be both a pastor and a mother and I am so fortunate to have a husband who supported my decision to work part time as well as having found a congregation in the area who was looking for a part time pastor.

On days that I work from home, there are always challenges.  Natalie always demands my time and interrupts my thought process and sometimes having to constantly multitask is frustrating but for the most part there is plenty of time to work on that sermon or send that e-mail and the interruption is welcomed having this time to play with and snuggle my little girl is priceless.  

Although it's hard sometimes, I truly love living this bi-vocational life :)

My First Tri!

Frank asked me to write a race recp and between vacation, trying to get things rolling for a potential ordination/first call, water spilled on not one laptop but two and a wonderful beautiful little girl named Natalie who has figured out how to scoot across the floor with the greatest of ease, it has taken me a while to get things written out.  Also due to my current lack of a laptop I'll have to add pictures and/or videos once my laptop dries out and hopefully turns back on.

4 Months Ago, Give or Take:

Six months ago Natalie was born and as many postpartum women I had some weight to lose as well as a general need to get back into some kind of shape that didn't involve frozen pizza and Girl Scout cookies.  So once I was cleared by my doctor I decided it was time to bite the bullet and sign up for a triathlon, which I'd been working toward before I got pregnant.  Frank looked at me like I was crazy but suggested the My First Tri race which is just for first time triathletes.  I figured I'd be in good company and that even if I had to walk all or part of the run, just finishing the race would be a huge accomplishment.  So I signed up, started training and had some amazing days and some crappy days where just looking at my goggles, bike or running shoes made me want to cry.  And that brings us to:

The Day Before The Race:

I spent most of Friday ignoring the fact that I would be racing my first triathlon the next day.  I went on a short but fast run first thing in the morning to remind my legs what they were supposed to be doing after a long day of travel.  I tried to eat well, avoiding the delicious beers that were offered to me.  And I had a ton of fun taking Natalie on her first trip to the aquarium.  

Race Day!  Pre-Race:

The race was Saturday, August 23rd at Centerville Lake in the Rice Creek Chain of Lakes.  It was a beautiful morning!  A little cool, but not cold, and overcast.  I was probably 50% excited, 30% in disbelief that this day had finally arrived and 20% terrified.  We got up early, I ate some breakfast, gave my gear one last once over and we hit the road.  On the way my tummy was full of butterflies and I began to wonder if my hard work and training would really pay off or if I would, in fact drown in the swim, wipe out on my bike, collapse on the run or come in dead last.  Once we got there I pushed these thoughts aside as much as I could and got to the tasks at hand, finding the restroom!  Which of course, was locked.  A locked bathroom is probably the worst thing you could encounter pre-race so I, along with probably 20 other women tracked down various race volunteers to see about getting them unlocked.  While I waited, it was time to set up my transition area.  For all the energy Frank puts into this I thought I was missing something because it seemed to take very little time or effort to get set up.  Oh well, only time would tell!  I got marked with my number, put my swim cap on and headed down to the lake for a little pre-race swim.  While standing in the shallows trying to convince myself to dive in and swim I started talking with one of the other competitors.  I think she was more nervous than I was but we had fun talking about our nerves and training.  It turns out she had had her first child 8 months ago and was using this as a stepping stone to getting in shape as well.  We had a good conversation and I eventually decided it was time to dive in and swim a little.  It was a little cool but my strokes were smooth and I didn't panic so I decided a short swim was all I needed and headed to the beach to hang out with Frank and Natalie before the race meeting and the race start.

And We're Off!  

The Swim: 400 yards

After the race meeting they lined us up by number and we started in sets of two every 30 seconds or so.  As I waited in line I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as one of the mentors was talking to one of my fellow competitors (you could request to race with a mentor, many of which had raced not only sprint triathlons but full ironman competitions so I'm sure running with us slow first timers was no issue at all).  This guy was a piece of work and rather than being there for the person he was mentoring which many of the mentors just oozed, he was definitely there for himself and to show off his skills.  Needless to say I let them push ahead and started with an 11 year old girl who was being mentored by her dad who I ran into the next day at Frank's race cheering on the mom/wife of the family.  Surprisingly the closer I got to the start line the more calm I was.  I felt prepared and when the worker said "Go" I jogged off into the water, dove in once I was deep enough and started my swim.  No matter who you talk to, the swim always seems to be the hardest part.  That was true for me as well but not because I was ill prepared for the swim.  Instead it was crazy hard because I was constantly going around people who had flipped on their backs, were swimming in anything but a straight line and were trying to crowd around the bouys and life guards because they were panicking (my lake training two weeks before the race had definitely made a difference!).  I could never get into a comfortable front crawl stroke and spent most of the swim doing the breast stroke so that I could see the people who had stopped swimming infront of me and go around them.  Although this was frustrating I had expect it, well except for the mentor from the beginning of the race.  Mr. Skills kept swimming ahead of his racer and stopping dead infront of me to wait for her to catch up and to top it off one of the times he started swimming again he almost ran me over.  So I kicked it into a faster stroke, passed him and did my best to put some distance between us.  About 2/3 of the way through the swim people started to thin out and I was able to finish the swim strong and jog up to the transition area.

The Bike: 10 miles

My transition went well, I grabbed  a gel, put my socks, shoes, bike jersey, helmet and sunglasses on and was on my way.  For the bike portion we did a 5 mile loop twice.  The first 2 1/2 miles were on a fairly busy road followed by a terrible  1/4 mile section through a residential area and then ended on a really nice paved trail.  Overall the bike portion was pretty uneventful, I rode strong and was only passed by maybe a dozen people.  That being said, the bike was also the most terrifying part of the race.  When we hit the residential area I thought for sure I was going to die.  It was hilly, the road was all chipped up, there was loose sand and gravel everywhere, cars were parked on both sides of the road, there were  lots of tight turns and because the course looped back on itself there were racers headed both directions.  Now don't get me wrong, it was super fun to see other competitors on this part of the course but I was pretty sure I was going to flat or fall or both and I was more than concerned that I'd take someone with me if I fell.  I made it through but lost a lot of time.  The second loop was possibly better than the first, I felt more confident on all of it including the residential section and on the last part of the trail I had two other riders chatch up to me and eventually pass me and they chatted with each other and me the whole time.  It made it a lot of fun to have the comradarie.  As I was finishing up the last lap, I almost missed the turn into the transition area but made it and before I knew it was off the bike and gearing up for the run.

The Run: 2 miles

In the transition area I dropped off my bike and helmet, grabbed a swig of gatoraid and was off.  My legs felt like jello and I know my pace was probably faster than it should have been.  In short, I was breathing hard and felt like I was standing still.  As I ran I was only passed by one person but also only passed maybe 2.  I don't know what that means but there it is.  The run, although tough was probably the best part of the race.  It was one mile out and one mile back so as I headed out to the water station thinking that the run would never be over the competitors heading to the finish line were offering words of encouragement.  It was nice to hear people that you don't know cheer for you and tell you to "keep it up" or that you're "almost there".  Once I reached the turnaround I was finally settling into my stride and breathing easier.  I passed the two women who passed me at the end of the bike and they followed me into the finish.  We bantered a bit and cheered on those heading out on their run as we headed back.  I probably could have run more efficiently had I put my head down and focused on running but it was so much more fun and meaningful to cheer for my fellow competitors.  This is also probably the only time in my life that I've ever been told that I have a nice pace.  The women behind me were apparently pretty well matched to my slow but steady pace that was probably right around the 12 min mile mark.  As we rounded the last curve I picked up my pace and finished strong.  I finished the race in 1:22 which was well ahead of my 2 hour goal.  

(The two ladies behind me became my race buddies)

It was amazing to come into the finish and see my beautiful family and really feel the weight of my accomplishment.  I had finished my first triathlon!  I had finished my first triathlon in a decent time!  I had finished my first triathlon in a decent time AND had had fun!  It was a fun event and I think I'd like to do it again.

Things They Don't Tell You About

This is my top 10 or so list of things no one ever told me about being a new parent.  They are in on I particular order and they are all from my experience so take them or leave them.

There is nothing more exciting than burps and poop.

Even if your newborn only sleeps for three hours at a time, this will feel like paradise after waking up every hour and wandering around the house in the middle of the night because there was no possible way you could get or stay comfortable during your last month or two of pregnancy.

The hunger is real my friends and between the craving for all things bread when your milk comes in and the general hunger that follows you around all day every day there is no escaping the constant feeling of hunger no matter how much you eat.

This one may be unique to me but I was cold the entire first two months post-partum.  There really is something to those cultures that go as far as building fires under new mother's beds to keep them warm.  It may sound extreme but I wish someone had done it for me.

If you're breastfeeding or pumping your breasts will hurt all the time.  I don't mean the horror stories you hear of cracked and bleeding nipples or the realities of blocked ducts but I mean just a general soreness and discomfort that starts 30 minutes to an hour after you pump/feed and lasts until you pump/feed again. 

You will love this little person in ways you did not even think possible.  Ok, maybe they do tell you this but I didn't really understand.  Before she was born I thought I already loved and then she was born and I realized that that love was just the tip of the iceberg.

Other people will openly tell you what you should be doing, all the time, without asking if you want advice.  Their advice, no matter how awful it may sound comes from to good place and they assume your experience is exactly like theirs...so feel free to ignore this entire list ;)

The first time you pawn your small infant off on someone, especially a male, who has never held a baby before is simply priceless!

There is nothing harder than leaving the hospital without your child, even if they are perfectly fine and nothing is wrong your heart will beak, you will cry and you will be angry.  

Grandparents and other visitors are wonderful but I wish I had asked them not to come or at least asked them to stay in a hotel rather than stay with us.  Your body is recovering from trauma, your life will forever be different, you are figuring out what it means to be a family and all you want to do an snuggle and bond with that little bundle of joy which makes it incredibly hard to be happy to hand them over to anyone else, including your husband.

If you labor at all your entire body will hurt.  If you push it will hurt in indifferent ways than if you have a c-section but either way it will hurt the next day because you worked hard to have this beautiful little baby.  I did not expect my arms and back to ach as much as they did, even propping myself up in bed took incredible effort.

This one is from a little further down the line: the first time or twelve you tell your beautiful child "no" after they pull your hair or try to put soap in their mouthes and they laugh at you it's really hard not to laugh back.

A Hard Life Lesson That I'm Still No Good At

I want to preface this post by saying that I've always thought of myself as being good at taking care of myself and I don't mean that in a "I can pay the bills and do the dishes" kind of way but in a "self care, mental/emotional" kind of way.  That being said, here we go:

A few weeks ago Frank went with an amazing group of youth and adults to Pine Ridge Indian Reservation in South Dakota for a weeklong mission trip.  They had an amazing time and brought back many memories and new friendships.  I however, stayed at home with Natalie.  This at-home-ness was simultaneously wonderful and downright difficult.  It was so much fun to be with out little girl and watch her learn and grow, take long naps together and play the day away but it was difficult when she would get fussy or I would get overwhelmed and have no partner there to step in, instead I just had to suck it up and deal.  This at-home-ness was also really lonely with no one to share my day with or just chat with over dinner especially when juxtaposed with the stories of deepening relationships and intense community that were being shared by my husband.

It was a hard week but because I was relatively on my own, my routine had to change up and this was where a lot of joy was found.  During a normal week, Frank and I get up early, he goes and works out while I get ready and hang out with Natalie.  When he gets back I go workout and am often back by the time he's done showering and ready to head off to work at which point I pray Natalie naps or plays while I shower and we go about our day from there.  My days are filled with trying to sneak things into our schedule so as to not burden Frank with having Natalie at the office for too long, because let's face it, I know better than anyone how hard it can be to get things done with her around.  But this week was different, I didn't have my spouse to switch off with and had to find something different.  Instead, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I dropped Natalie off with Heather our wonderful church secretary for an hour or so (usually turned into a full morning of visiting) while I went and worked out, grabbed a shower and maybe moved the laundry. This was actually a great arrangement as I think Heather was a little lonely in the office being the entire rest of the office staff was gone on the mission trip as well.  And on Tuesday and Thursday I dropped her off with a couple of girls while I got my workout in, went to the barn and got some housework done.  They generally had her for about 4 hours and it was wonderful.  

This simple act of lineing people up to watch Natalie for small chunks of the day was so wonderful because it allowed me not only time away and to myself but it also allowed me to not feel rushed.  I didn't feel rushed to start my workout, I didn't feel rushed to get through my workout and I didn't feel rushed to get a shower, or go to the barn or do some chores around the house which in turn allowed me to enjoy the things which feed my soul as well as get some projects done, keep the house clean and enjoy all of it!  

You see, I learned during this week that I am terrible at taking care of myself and that I need to be quicker and better at asking for help.  I put everyone elses needs before my own unless forced.  But when I finally asked for help, I realized that there is a better way that allows me to better care for my own needs, physically, emotionally and spiritually but it also allows me to better care for those around me.  This is the hardest lesson ever and I know that I'm not the only person who struggles with it.  It's why we talked so much at the seminary about "self care" and I thought I was doing it right, exercising, taking time for devotions or artistic activities, and going to the barn to see my horse but I was failing miserably.  All these things that feed and nourish me were being rushed and becoming little more than things on my to do list.  I learned again what it means to ask for help so that I could really take care of myself and in so doing I was able to see how enjoyable everything I was experiencing could be, including  a fussy baby.

This lesson has hit home even more these two weeks since Frank has been back because I feel back in that place of rushing to help lessen his burden while he is at work and because of it everything is suffering.  I'm crankier, I don't enjoy much of the day to day and I am getting NOTHING done.  Apparently eventhough I learned this valuable lesson I'm still incredibly terrible at asking for help and taking care of myself.  Don't worry, I'm working on it.

The Struggle is Real: Fitness After Baby

A little over a year ago I began googling all things baby.  Things to be aware of while trying to conceive, tips for a successful pregnancy and even some postpartum exercise tips.  The trouble is that no matter how many hours you spend wandering around the internet nothing can truly prepare you for pregnancy and life with a new baby.  As a matter of fact after spending way more hours than I care to admit on the internet and reading books there are even many things that people just don't tell you.  One of these omitted topics is the realities of your body and fitness post baby.

The reality is that this is no longer the body that I knew and it takes time to get reacquainted with this new version. The body that I worked so hard for now carries extra weight and sagging skin.  The relatively flat stomach I once had now has a bulge of worn out muscles and is adorned by an array of stretch marks.  And my clothes that once fit no longer do and I'm not sure that they ever will because along with the extra weight also came a widening of my hips which you just can't make smaller no matter how many crunches, squats or how long of runs you go on.  This new body has been hard for me to love; the beautiful life that came from it has not but let's be honest no matter how worth it she may be that doesn't overshadow or replace the fact that this is a difficult adjustment.  And what is even more important is to remember that feeling this way does not make me a bad mother, it simply makes me a woman who is once again fighting through body issues that she thought she had moved past.

Now, learning to love my new body might be easier if the following two topic were not also among the omitted list of things discussed surrounding motherhood.

1. The realities of Nutrition. 

Having talked to many new moms I know that sometimes just getting a meal in can be difficult and because of this some women lose their baby weight quickly due to the fact that they simply are not eating.  I also know that some women are lucky to shed the pounds quickly and easily.  I however, have not experienced either of these things.  I love food and it is always a priority, not to mention have a loving husband who leaves for work after I am up for the day, comes home for lunch, is always home for dinner and if things are crazy because of our beautiful little girl will always make me something to eat.  Also, my body holds onto things like water and fat like it's constantly storing up for a long journey or harsh winter.  

So, as the weeks and months have gone on I have been on a quest to figure out this whole eating thing and it's simply not as easy as it once was.  Before baby I knew roughly how many net calories I needed in a day, I knew how to adjust for an easier or harder workout and I knew how to make healthy choices in the types of food I ate and I knew how to splurge appropriately.  Now, post baby, I am at a loss and the resources available haven't been overly helpful.  I am breast feeding which means that I need to not only feed myself but also little Miss. Natalie.  I need to lose some of this weight because my body hurts from the extra.  And I need to once again figure out how to make the healthy choices and splurge appropriately.  Between the exhaustion and the rollercoastering emotions and hormones all I really want to do is eat pizza and cookie dough and that is not helpful as I try to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle.  To top all of this off, the only information I a have found about nutrition post baby is that you should consume anywhere between 200 and 500 extra calories a day when breast feeding, to be careful not to reduce your caloric intake too much because your milk supply can drop and that you shouldn't worry about your calories at all and just eat when you' really hungry.  Can I just say that none of that is helpful and if I just ate when I was hungry I'd never stop eating because I am constantly hungry.

After 2 months of struggling with this, I think I'm finally on the right track.  I have finally figured out that I need a target of 2,000-2,100 calories a day and that I cannot feel bad about going over that on occasion.  I need to have healthy snacks in the house so that I can grab something quick and easy throughout the day and similarly I cannot have unhealthy foods in the house because I will polish off all of it without a second glance; I have no ability to portion control junk food!  I have to remember that a little hungry is good.  I know none of these things are new, in fact they are pretty basic to anyone who has ever tried to be on a good healthy eating plan but this is the most I have ever struggled with it.

2. The realities of Workouts.

When you look online, you find all these pictures of cute thin moms walking with their babies in front caries or pushing jogging strollers with smiles on their faces and to this I call Bull Shit!  Two winters ago my husband and I thought it would be a good idea to do Insanity and I think that was easier than the workouts I've done in the last few months.  

Last summer my goal was to do my first triathlon, not fast mind you but just to finish it.  I was excited for it and I was working hard and then we got pregnant and that goal would have to wait until after the baby was born.  That time has now arrived and eventhough I knew it would be hard I picked a triathlon at the end of August and set my sights on getting my fitness level to the point where I could simply finish the race, nothing fast, just finishing.  I put together my workout plan which has on average 4 days of moderate activity (running, swimming or biking), 2 days of yoga and a day off.  None of these workouts are crazy difficult and it should be a gentle training plan.  However with the realities of being a new mom I find myself constantly fatigued, burnt out and wanting to cry when I look at my bike or running shoes.  Fatigue is the enemy and it makes the recovery process between workouts difficult.  And so I take naps, I adjust my workout schedule to an activity that doesn't make me want to cry, I push through and sometimes I take an extra day off or 4.  My muscles are constantly tired and my body aches but at the end of a run or bike or swim I almost always feel better and when I don't I eat a bowl of ice cream.  I know that I could put the triathlon on hold another year and no one would think less of me and I could spend my summer going on easy runs a few times a week but then I'd eleven get anywhere.  I'd stay stuck in the bad habits I've been forming and it would be impossible to get out and get going.  

No one ever said it would be easy to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle after having a baby but no one ever said it would be this hard either (mentally, emotionally and physically).  The struggle is real and I wish we'd be more honest about that.  If someone had it's possible I would have been more prepared.  If more people were honest about the emotional, physical and mental struggles of post-partum life it might be easier to admit that there are days we just want to give up and eat a whole pizza and a quart of ice cream. If we were more honest about this it might be easier to hear encouragement from one another and keep going rather than giving up altogether.  The struggle is real my friends and I hate it with every ounce of my being but I think and hope that it's worth it.

After one of my first runs, feeling like a sausage in my barely fitting running clothes but happy to have accomplished a workout and get to come home to a snuggly baby.

Living in the Inbetween Time Sucks Sometimes

Ok so first off, I've once again been a terrible blogger, especially considering I have a list of blog topics on my computer that I am still hoping to get to that date back to Advent...maybe if I wait long enough it will just look like I'm ahead of the game. 

Secondly, I'm living in the Inbetween time and have been for many many months now and I'm over it.  Over the past year a lot has happened.  I found out that I was pregnant and we joyfully (well most ofthe  time, pregnancy is hard!) awaited the birth of our beautiful little girl Natalie who was born on March 2, 2014.  I finished up internship which I was done with exactly one week prior to Natalie's birth.  I have been the "interim secretary", a title I gave myself, for Frank's church.  I have been a stay at home mom who has struggled with all that that entails mentally, physically, emotionally.  I graduated seminary.  And I am awaiting first call.  Can we just stop and marvel for a moment at all these iLife events that have taken place?

Ok, marveling time is over.  The fact of the matter is that along with all these life events comes a geat deal of the unknown and the Inbetween.  And with all this unknown and Inbetween times have come a lot of anxiety, anger and resentment which I tend to be really good at hiding behind a mask of excitement and easy-going-ness but I'm so exhausted that I'm starting to crack.  I have resentment toward my classmates who have a call already.  I have anger at my husband who never seems to "see" the things that need to be done around the house (this is by way no reflection on him at all!  He washed the diapers, unloaded, reloaded and started the dishes without being asked today.  It is simply that my eyes are clouded by the fact that it took me 5 days to wash, dry and fold 6 loads of laundry and 2loads of diapers this week).  I feel annoyed that I have spent so much time and energy cultivating my gifts for ministry and am so ready to use them and have had exactly 0 interviews.  And along with that I am frustrated that we have found ourselves in uncut a loving and wonderful community and had we not found ourselves here I would probably have a call by now.  And probably most importantly I feel angry with myself for feeling all these things.

So as I sat in the bath tub tonight drinking a glass of wine, trying to stuff all these feelings back down into the depths of my being and reading "Pastrix" I realized that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  We all have Inbetween times which weigh us down and cause us to overthink and over-internalize.  So tonight I let myself feel my feeling.  I let them bubble up and step out into the daylight without trying to stuff them back down into their depths.  And I relized something about myself.  All this anxiety, frustration and anger all comes from simultaneously looking back at how hard I worked to finish school, set up my house, have a baby and so on as well as looking forward to all that lies ahead of me, being a mother, starting not only my first call but an entirely new career which I'm not to entirely convinced I was prepared for and all that remains to be unseen.  I relized that in the midst of this anxiety and frustration producing looking back and forward there was no space to simply be present in the moment which leaves no space to hear people's stories, no space to be open to the spirit to to the ministry that God is calling me (I guess I don't need to wait for a call to be involved with God's ministry), no space to enjoy spending time with my beautiful little Natalie and so on.  I don't know if realizing this is the hard part or the easy part but I do know that from here on out when I get bogged down by these frustrations, anger and resentments that I need to try hard to take a step back and see what is infront of sme rather than what once was and what may be.

Living in the Inbetween time can really suck sometimes but it can also be a great excuse to live in the moment and there's a funny kind of freedoms about that.

Nine weeks of Leaning

Over the past nine weeks I have been exploring what it means to engage in creative prayer and I have learned more than I thought I would.  If you'd like to see more specifics, check out my previous posts.  In general though, I have learned that prayer looks so much different than I ever knew it could. 

Prayer seems to spring up within us if we can only quiet our minds, it does not need to be forced or follow any given format.  Growing up I learned that prayer was kind of like a letter, it has an introduction, it has a middle and it has an end.  Of course the introduction is your invocation or calling on of God's name and your end is the "Amen".  The body of the prayer is come combination of thanking God and asking for God to interceede on both your behalf and the behalf of others.  This form of prayer is most commonly found throughout our church services and in our small groups and yet this is only one kind of prayer among a limitless number of ways to pray. 

What I found the most amazing was that when I was able to get out of my own way.  When I was able to let go of how I thought I "should" pray or what I "should be praying for" and simply spent some quiet time with God that my prayers seemed to bubble up to the surface.  What was even more amazing to me than this was the depth that my prayers had.  It was as though I was finally listening to something deeper than the immediate fleeting thoughts that consume my day.  It was as though I was able to hear my own deep yearnings and desires that I normally do not let into the light of the day.  I was able to hear God speaking in my life.  And I was able to hear and see those around me and their deep joys and needs.

It's pretty amazing; you stop thinking and worrying about what you should be praying for and your actually opened up and able to see the things that need prayer.  There is a simplicity to it and yet it is so incredibly difficult to get to that place of deep listening. 

Over these past few weeks I have learned a lot about myself, my own deep desires and yearnings as well as about what God is saying to me and how my eyes have been opened to those I encounter.  I look forward to exploring this further and seeing where m practices take me. 

Created to Create

Truth be told, I meant to write this post about nine weeks ago when I began this journey into creativity and prayer.  As part of this class, besides the random google-ing I've done about prayer and creativity, different artistic practices and techniques and the background of movement in meditation and prayer I was also tasked with reading a chapter or two from Daniel Wolpert's book "Creating a Life with God". 

If you haven't read this or any of Daniel's other books, I highly recommend you take the time to do so.  They are accessible and inspiring.  In this book, Daniel has a chapter called "Creativity and the Divine: To Create is to Pray".  For being a short chapter (only 10 pages) it packs quite the punch, explaining what it means to be created to create and what that means for prayer. 

Daniel begins with the Bible and the fundamental and foundational image of God as one who creates which is carried out not only through the Genesis story but through the entire Biblical narrative.  He explains that "Creativity is the sign that God is God; no one else can create as God creates." (92).  At first hearing this, it would seem as though we should all throw in the towel since nothing we create could ever amount to anything compared to God.  But then, Daniel links the creative power of God to God's love.  It is through the love of God that all things are created and brought into life and that includes human beings who have been created not only by God but in the image and likeness of God.  Daniel says, "So, just as God sees visions of what is to be created and then creates, so too we are designed to see visions and create in accordance with the power and presence of God in our lives." (92). 

We are created out of love and given the power and ability to enter into that creative process.  This is a pretty basic idea found throughout the Bible but how does it relate to prayer?  It is very simple actually.  Prayer connects us with God and creativity connects us with the creative power and creative acts of God and that means that entering into creativity becomes a prayer practice.

We are all created to create and it is our own leanings and getting-in-the-ways that separate us from this form of prayer.  We have all grown up in a culture that teaches us that we are not creative and yet the more I have talked with people the more I have heard an underlying desire to create despite feeling inadequate and under qualified.  I believe this desire trumps what we have been taught by the world because it has been written into our very DNA by the creator of world.  But in order to engage in creative acts, in this kind of prayer, we must get out of our own way and trust in the creativity that is within us.  So I leave you with a quote from Hildegard of Bingen:

"Humanity too is God's creation.  But humanity alone is called to co-operate with God in the creation."

The Not so Glamorous Side of Prayer

So this is the last week of my class and my last prayer practice for it.  Make no mistake, I will carry many of these practices with me from this moment forward both in my own personal prayer life as well as in my professional ministry life. 

I have long been intrigued by the stories of monks who tackle daily tasks at their monistaries and turn them into part of their prayer practice.  Tending the garden, baking bread, scrubbing the floors and any number of other every day activities are transformed into a meditative or contemplative prayer practice that helps to draw them closer to God even as their hands or bodies are busy with other tasks.  For me, engaging my body in some kind of regular activity, whether it is cooking dinner or going for a walk has always allowed my mind to quiet and get out of the way, so attempting some kind of daily activity as prayer sounded like a good next step. 

This week I decided to try this as I cleaned my horse's stall.  Anyone who has taken part of this incredibly "earthy" task knows that with it comes, on its worst days a feeling of drudgery and on its best a theraputic quality.  So as I walked up to the stall, pitchfork in hand and trailing the wheelburrow I began to think about who I should pray for and was once again immediately in my own way.  So I settled into the normal rhythem of scooping and tossing and as my body worked my mind let go of all the shoulds, quieted down and started to wander to loved ones and those I have encountered over the past few days and weeks.  And with each scoop they were lifted up to God, both with thanks and with requests.

When I was done with the stall I almost felt as though it was too simple, there were no elaborate and flowing words and yet that didn't matter.  Through my movement I was able to get out of my own way and the prayers simply flowed without needing to use any words and this is what I learned:

1. muscle memory is key to this kind of prayer so that our minds can let go and wander
2. letting go of the traditional way we have been taught to pray with words is really hard to do
3. when all else fails get moving and focus on the task at hand, the prayers will come and even if they don't you've at least accomplished something, but trust me, the prayers will come
4. we don't always need words, a memory or an emotion means just as much if not more than the words we would try to use to say the same thing
5. this really does take a lot of practice

Joys of Creativity and Collaboration

Just ran across this article about the beauty of childhood creativity

Lately I have seen many things going around on pinterest and facebook about letting your child start a drawing and then the parent finishing it and I thought, this is a fun and amazing way to enter into artwork with your children, spark creativity and encourage their confidence.  This article however is seemingly in a whole different ball park.  This mother begins by sketching a portrait and allows her daughter to finish it.  Rather than the adult pulling the image together in a tidy bow, she allows her child to.  I know this is a small difference and yet it speaks to me in an amazing way and I think Mica's (the mother) words capture this feeling that I have.  She says, "I learned that if you have a preconceived notion of how something should be, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE DISAPPOINTED.  Instead, just go with it, just ACCEPT it, because usually something even more wonderful will come out of it." 

This is the lesson I have learned over and over again lately, whether it was through my own attempts at artwork, prayer or even my stewardship Bible study.  It is about letting go and accepting ourselves and the outcome rather than trying to bully it into what we think it should be.  It's hard to do and yet when we're able to "just go with it" I have found that the outcome is always more amazing, profound and intense than I could have ever come up with on my own.  This is the joy of creativity and what I believe to be the working of the Holy Spirit within us, to create amazing things that would have otherwise been unreachable for us alone.

So be creative!  Enter into some kind of creative act and just go with it, accept it, get out of your own way and allow God to move within it and you won't be disappointed.

Tips and Tricks for Starting a New Creative Prayer Practice

Throughout this journey, I have found a few things helpful in clearing the mind and settling into a creative prayer practice and thought I would share them with anyone who might read this and want to give it a shot.  So here they are in no particular order:

1. Pull out your materials and have everything ready, within arms reach and organized so that you can enjoy your practice and be "in the zone".

2. Listen: listen to yourself, listen to God, listen to the day

3. YOU CANNOT DO THIS WRONG! Remember that there is no right or wrong way to do this so be gentle with yourself

4. You are doing this for you and God and no one else.  It does not matter what anyone else thinks about your artwork.  It is a part of you.

5. Don't be afraid to express a side of yourself you don't normally let into the light.  I often present prayers of thanks or joy and repress prayers of pain or struggle in my own life but this is the time to express your deepest and truest emotions, desires, thoughts and self to God.

6. If you're having trouble getting started take a few deep breaths, let go of any frustration or expectations.  Begin not by figuring out what your painting or sculpture will look like but instead with one color or one shape and let the rest flow from there.

7. I find it helpful to have a comfortable space (a comfortable chair, open window, natural light etc.) and a hot cup of tea so that I can relax and more quickly let go of the day and calm my mind and body.  This creation of space helps me to set this time aside as sacred.

8. Don't give yourself too many options.  By this I mean stick with 2 or 3 colors to begin with or a small piece of clay.  You can always add more as you go but by starting with a limited number of options you can avoid any extra feelings of being overwhelmed.

9. If you find yourself unsure of where to start and silence/meditation isn't working try reading a Psalm; they are the long held prayers of those who have come before us and can speak to us in ways that allow us to hear our own hearts.

10. If you begin to get frustrated take a break.  Take a short walk, grab another cup of tea, take a few deep breaths, and begin again.  Not every day or every attempt will bring about a piece of artwork or a prayer but it is in the practicing that we are able to more clearly listen to ourselves and God.

A Very Windy Walk Through Town

Today I decided to try a new prayer practice.  It's a beautiful, sunny, almost 50 degree day so I thought it would be a good chance to try walking around town and praying.  I had high hopes to begin with, I mean how hard could this possibly be.  Well the answer is: a LOT harder than I thought.  The trouble was that my mind was wandering hard core.  I would do ok for a while, being mindful of the houses, businesses or people around me and lifting them up to God but then I'd start to think about how I was going to write about this, what was left on my to do list, what to have for dinner and get at the store and on and on.  And then to top it off, I turned the corner and got a face full of wind and like a silly person I didn't bring a hat with me and as my ears got colder the harder it was to snap myself back into a prayerful/mindful mindset.

As I was beginning to feel as though today's attempt at a new prayer practice was an utter failure, I made one last ditch effort to salvage my attempt.  I decided I was trying to do too much.  I was trying to be aware of all the houses and people and businesses around me, lift them up to God, walk and keep my mind from wandering.  So I switched gears to something incredibly simple.  I focused on each step I was taking and tried not to worry or think about anything else.  To my amazement, it worked, or at least I think it did.  In the refocusing and quieting of my mind and body a hymn came into my head; What a Fellowship, What a Joy Divine.  

What a fellowship, what a joy divine, leaning on the everlasting arms;
what a blessedness, what a peace is mine, leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way, leaning on the everlasting arms;
oh, how bright the path grows from day to day, leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

What have I to dread, what have I to fear, leaning on the everlasting arms;
I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, leaning on the everlasting arms.
Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

This hymn is my prayer today.  It is my prayer for the people of our town who have, over the past few days experienced so much pain and sorrow.  It is my prayer that we would know this peace and love and joy and that we would be able to lean in God's arms.

So all in all, it wasn't a completely hopeless attempt at prayer and here is what I learned:

1. If it's November, even a really beautiful day in November, make sure to bring a hat with you.
2. I need more practice.
3. Prayer can't be forced, it just happens.