The Struggle is Real: Fitness After Baby

A little over a year ago I began googling all things baby.  Things to be aware of while trying to conceive, tips for a successful pregnancy and even some postpartum exercise tips.  The trouble is that no matter how many hours you spend wandering around the internet nothing can truly prepare you for pregnancy and life with a new baby.  As a matter of fact after spending way more hours than I care to admit on the internet and reading books there are even many things that people just don't tell you.  One of these omitted topics is the realities of your body and fitness post baby.

The reality is that this is no longer the body that I knew and it takes time to get reacquainted with this new version. The body that I worked so hard for now carries extra weight and sagging skin.  The relatively flat stomach I once had now has a bulge of worn out muscles and is adorned by an array of stretch marks.  And my clothes that once fit no longer do and I'm not sure that they ever will because along with the extra weight also came a widening of my hips which you just can't make smaller no matter how many crunches, squats or how long of runs you go on.  This new body has been hard for me to love; the beautiful life that came from it has not but let's be honest no matter how worth it she may be that doesn't overshadow or replace the fact that this is a difficult adjustment.  And what is even more important is to remember that feeling this way does not make me a bad mother, it simply makes me a woman who is once again fighting through body issues that she thought she had moved past.

Now, learning to love my new body might be easier if the following two topic were not also among the omitted list of things discussed surrounding motherhood.

1. The realities of Nutrition. 

Having talked to many new moms I know that sometimes just getting a meal in can be difficult and because of this some women lose their baby weight quickly due to the fact that they simply are not eating.  I also know that some women are lucky to shed the pounds quickly and easily.  I however, have not experienced either of these things.  I love food and it is always a priority, not to mention have a loving husband who leaves for work after I am up for the day, comes home for lunch, is always home for dinner and if things are crazy because of our beautiful little girl will always make me something to eat.  Also, my body holds onto things like water and fat like it's constantly storing up for a long journey or harsh winter.  

So, as the weeks and months have gone on I have been on a quest to figure out this whole eating thing and it's simply not as easy as it once was.  Before baby I knew roughly how many net calories I needed in a day, I knew how to adjust for an easier or harder workout and I knew how to make healthy choices in the types of food I ate and I knew how to splurge appropriately.  Now, post baby, I am at a loss and the resources available haven't been overly helpful.  I am breast feeding which means that I need to not only feed myself but also little Miss. Natalie.  I need to lose some of this weight because my body hurts from the extra.  And I need to once again figure out how to make the healthy choices and splurge appropriately.  Between the exhaustion and the rollercoastering emotions and hormones all I really want to do is eat pizza and cookie dough and that is not helpful as I try to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle.  To top all of this off, the only information I a have found about nutrition post baby is that you should consume anywhere between 200 and 500 extra calories a day when breast feeding, to be careful not to reduce your caloric intake too much because your milk supply can drop and that you shouldn't worry about your calories at all and just eat when you' really hungry.  Can I just say that none of that is helpful and if I just ate when I was hungry I'd never stop eating because I am constantly hungry.

After 2 months of struggling with this, I think I'm finally on the right track.  I have finally figured out that I need a target of 2,000-2,100 calories a day and that I cannot feel bad about going over that on occasion.  I need to have healthy snacks in the house so that I can grab something quick and easy throughout the day and similarly I cannot have unhealthy foods in the house because I will polish off all of it without a second glance; I have no ability to portion control junk food!  I have to remember that a little hungry is good.  I know none of these things are new, in fact they are pretty basic to anyone who has ever tried to be on a good healthy eating plan but this is the most I have ever struggled with it.

2. The realities of Workouts.

When you look online, you find all these pictures of cute thin moms walking with their babies in front caries or pushing jogging strollers with smiles on their faces and to this I call Bull Shit!  Two winters ago my husband and I thought it would be a good idea to do Insanity and I think that was easier than the workouts I've done in the last few months.  

Last summer my goal was to do my first triathlon, not fast mind you but just to finish it.  I was excited for it and I was working hard and then we got pregnant and that goal would have to wait until after the baby was born.  That time has now arrived and eventhough I knew it would be hard I picked a triathlon at the end of August and set my sights on getting my fitness level to the point where I could simply finish the race, nothing fast, just finishing.  I put together my workout plan which has on average 4 days of moderate activity (running, swimming or biking), 2 days of yoga and a day off.  None of these workouts are crazy difficult and it should be a gentle training plan.  However with the realities of being a new mom I find myself constantly fatigued, burnt out and wanting to cry when I look at my bike or running shoes.  Fatigue is the enemy and it makes the recovery process between workouts difficult.  And so I take naps, I adjust my workout schedule to an activity that doesn't make me want to cry, I push through and sometimes I take an extra day off or 4.  My muscles are constantly tired and my body aches but at the end of a run or bike or swim I almost always feel better and when I don't I eat a bowl of ice cream.  I know that I could put the triathlon on hold another year and no one would think less of me and I could spend my summer going on easy runs a few times a week but then I'd eleven get anywhere.  I'd stay stuck in the bad habits I've been forming and it would be impossible to get out and get going.  

No one ever said it would be easy to find my way back to a healthy lifestyle after having a baby but no one ever said it would be this hard either (mentally, emotionally and physically).  The struggle is real and I wish we'd be more honest about that.  If someone had it's possible I would have been more prepared.  If more people were honest about the emotional, physical and mental struggles of post-partum life it might be easier to admit that there are days we just want to give up and eat a whole pizza and a quart of ice cream. If we were more honest about this it might be easier to hear encouragement from one another and keep going rather than giving up altogether.  The struggle is real my friends and I hate it with every ounce of my being but I think and hope that it's worth it.

After one of my first runs, feeling like a sausage in my barely fitting running clothes but happy to have accomplished a workout and get to come home to a snuggly baby.

Living in the Inbetween Time Sucks Sometimes

Ok so first off, I've once again been a terrible blogger, especially considering I have a list of blog topics on my computer that I am still hoping to get to that date back to Advent...maybe if I wait long enough it will just look like I'm ahead of the game. 

Secondly, I'm living in the Inbetween time and have been for many many months now and I'm over it.  Over the past year a lot has happened.  I found out that I was pregnant and we joyfully (well most ofthe  time, pregnancy is hard!) awaited the birth of our beautiful little girl Natalie who was born on March 2, 2014.  I finished up internship which I was done with exactly one week prior to Natalie's birth.  I have been the "interim secretary", a title I gave myself, for Frank's church.  I have been a stay at home mom who has struggled with all that that entails mentally, physically, emotionally.  I graduated seminary.  And I am awaiting first call.  Can we just stop and marvel for a moment at all these iLife events that have taken place?

Ok, marveling time is over.  The fact of the matter is that along with all these life events comes a geat deal of the unknown and the Inbetween.  And with all this unknown and Inbetween times have come a lot of anxiety, anger and resentment which I tend to be really good at hiding behind a mask of excitement and easy-going-ness but I'm so exhausted that I'm starting to crack.  I have resentment toward my classmates who have a call already.  I have anger at my husband who never seems to "see" the things that need to be done around the house (this is by way no reflection on him at all!  He washed the diapers, unloaded, reloaded and started the dishes without being asked today.  It is simply that my eyes are clouded by the fact that it took me 5 days to wash, dry and fold 6 loads of laundry and 2loads of diapers this week).  I feel annoyed that I have spent so much time and energy cultivating my gifts for ministry and am so ready to use them and have had exactly 0 interviews.  And along with that I am frustrated that we have found ourselves in uncut a loving and wonderful community and had we not found ourselves here I would probably have a call by now.  And probably most importantly I feel angry with myself for feeling all these things.

So as I sat in the bath tub tonight drinking a glass of wine, trying to stuff all these feelings back down into the depths of my being and reading "Pastrix" I realized that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  We all have Inbetween times which weigh us down and cause us to overthink and over-internalize.  So tonight I let myself feel my feeling.  I let them bubble up and step out into the daylight without trying to stuff them back down into their depths.  And I relized something about myself.  All this anxiety, frustration and anger all comes from simultaneously looking back at how hard I worked to finish school, set up my house, have a baby and so on as well as looking forward to all that lies ahead of me, being a mother, starting not only my first call but an entirely new career which I'm not to entirely convinced I was prepared for and all that remains to be unseen.  I relized that in the midst of this anxiety and frustration producing looking back and forward there was no space to simply be present in the moment which leaves no space to hear people's stories, no space to be open to the spirit to to the ministry that God is calling me (I guess I don't need to wait for a call to be involved with God's ministry), no space to enjoy spending time with my beautiful little Natalie and so on.  I don't know if realizing this is the hard part or the easy part but I do know that from here on out when I get bogged down by these frustrations, anger and resentments that I need to try hard to take a step back and see what is infront of sme rather than what once was and what may be.

Living in the Inbetween time can really suck sometimes but it can also be a great excuse to live in the moment and there's a funny kind of freedoms about that.

Nine weeks of Leaning

Over the past nine weeks I have been exploring what it means to engage in creative prayer and I have learned more than I thought I would.  If you'd like to see more specifics, check out my previous posts.  In general though, I have learned that prayer looks so much different than I ever knew it could. 

Prayer seems to spring up within us if we can only quiet our minds, it does not need to be forced or follow any given format.  Growing up I learned that prayer was kind of like a letter, it has an introduction, it has a middle and it has an end.  Of course the introduction is your invocation or calling on of God's name and your end is the "Amen".  The body of the prayer is come combination of thanking God and asking for God to interceede on both your behalf and the behalf of others.  This form of prayer is most commonly found throughout our church services and in our small groups and yet this is only one kind of prayer among a limitless number of ways to pray. 

What I found the most amazing was that when I was able to get out of my own way.  When I was able to let go of how I thought I "should" pray or what I "should be praying for" and simply spent some quiet time with God that my prayers seemed to bubble up to the surface.  What was even more amazing to me than this was the depth that my prayers had.  It was as though I was finally listening to something deeper than the immediate fleeting thoughts that consume my day.  It was as though I was able to hear my own deep yearnings and desires that I normally do not let into the light of the day.  I was able to hear God speaking in my life.  And I was able to hear and see those around me and their deep joys and needs.

It's pretty amazing; you stop thinking and worrying about what you should be praying for and your actually opened up and able to see the things that need prayer.  There is a simplicity to it and yet it is so incredibly difficult to get to that place of deep listening. 

Over these past few weeks I have learned a lot about myself, my own deep desires and yearnings as well as about what God is saying to me and how my eyes have been opened to those I encounter.  I look forward to exploring this further and seeing where m practices take me. 

Created to Create

Truth be told, I meant to write this post about nine weeks ago when I began this journey into creativity and prayer.  As part of this class, besides the random google-ing I've done about prayer and creativity, different artistic practices and techniques and the background of movement in meditation and prayer I was also tasked with reading a chapter or two from Daniel Wolpert's book "Creating a Life with God". 

If you haven't read this or any of Daniel's other books, I highly recommend you take the time to do so.  They are accessible and inspiring.  In this book, Daniel has a chapter called "Creativity and the Divine: To Create is to Pray".  For being a short chapter (only 10 pages) it packs quite the punch, explaining what it means to be created to create and what that means for prayer. 

Daniel begins with the Bible and the fundamental and foundational image of God as one who creates which is carried out not only through the Genesis story but through the entire Biblical narrative.  He explains that "Creativity is the sign that God is God; no one else can create as God creates." (92).  At first hearing this, it would seem as though we should all throw in the towel since nothing we create could ever amount to anything compared to God.  But then, Daniel links the creative power of God to God's love.  It is through the love of God that all things are created and brought into life and that includes human beings who have been created not only by God but in the image and likeness of God.  Daniel says, "So, just as God sees visions of what is to be created and then creates, so too we are designed to see visions and create in accordance with the power and presence of God in our lives." (92). 

We are created out of love and given the power and ability to enter into that creative process.  This is a pretty basic idea found throughout the Bible but how does it relate to prayer?  It is very simple actually.  Prayer connects us with God and creativity connects us with the creative power and creative acts of God and that means that entering into creativity becomes a prayer practice.

We are all created to create and it is our own leanings and getting-in-the-ways that separate us from this form of prayer.  We have all grown up in a culture that teaches us that we are not creative and yet the more I have talked with people the more I have heard an underlying desire to create despite feeling inadequate and under qualified.  I believe this desire trumps what we have been taught by the world because it has been written into our very DNA by the creator of world.  But in order to engage in creative acts, in this kind of prayer, we must get out of our own way and trust in the creativity that is within us.  So I leave you with a quote from Hildegard of Bingen:

"Humanity too is God's creation.  But humanity alone is called to co-operate with God in the creation."

The Not so Glamorous Side of Prayer

So this is the last week of my class and my last prayer practice for it.  Make no mistake, I will carry many of these practices with me from this moment forward both in my own personal prayer life as well as in my professional ministry life. 

I have long been intrigued by the stories of monks who tackle daily tasks at their monistaries and turn them into part of their prayer practice.  Tending the garden, baking bread, scrubbing the floors and any number of other every day activities are transformed into a meditative or contemplative prayer practice that helps to draw them closer to God even as their hands or bodies are busy with other tasks.  For me, engaging my body in some kind of regular activity, whether it is cooking dinner or going for a walk has always allowed my mind to quiet and get out of the way, so attempting some kind of daily activity as prayer sounded like a good next step. 

This week I decided to try this as I cleaned my horse's stall.  Anyone who has taken part of this incredibly "earthy" task knows that with it comes, on its worst days a feeling of drudgery and on its best a theraputic quality.  So as I walked up to the stall, pitchfork in hand and trailing the wheelburrow I began to think about who I should pray for and was once again immediately in my own way.  So I settled into the normal rhythem of scooping and tossing and as my body worked my mind let go of all the shoulds, quieted down and started to wander to loved ones and those I have encountered over the past few days and weeks.  And with each scoop they were lifted up to God, both with thanks and with requests.

When I was done with the stall I almost felt as though it was too simple, there were no elaborate and flowing words and yet that didn't matter.  Through my movement I was able to get out of my own way and the prayers simply flowed without needing to use any words and this is what I learned:

1. muscle memory is key to this kind of prayer so that our minds can let go and wander
2. letting go of the traditional way we have been taught to pray with words is really hard to do
3. when all else fails get moving and focus on the task at hand, the prayers will come and even if they don't you've at least accomplished something, but trust me, the prayers will come
4. we don't always need words, a memory or an emotion means just as much if not more than the words we would try to use to say the same thing
5. this really does take a lot of practice

Joys of Creativity and Collaboration

Just ran across this article about the beauty of childhood creativity

Lately I have seen many things going around on pinterest and facebook about letting your child start a drawing and then the parent finishing it and I thought, this is a fun and amazing way to enter into artwork with your children, spark creativity and encourage their confidence.  This article however is seemingly in a whole different ball park.  This mother begins by sketching a portrait and allows her daughter to finish it.  Rather than the adult pulling the image together in a tidy bow, she allows her child to.  I know this is a small difference and yet it speaks to me in an amazing way and I think Mica's (the mother) words capture this feeling that I have.  She says, "I learned that if you have a preconceived notion of how something should be, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE DISAPPOINTED.  Instead, just go with it, just ACCEPT it, because usually something even more wonderful will come out of it." 

This is the lesson I have learned over and over again lately, whether it was through my own attempts at artwork, prayer or even my stewardship Bible study.  It is about letting go and accepting ourselves and the outcome rather than trying to bully it into what we think it should be.  It's hard to do and yet when we're able to "just go with it" I have found that the outcome is always more amazing, profound and intense than I could have ever come up with on my own.  This is the joy of creativity and what I believe to be the working of the Holy Spirit within us, to create amazing things that would have otherwise been unreachable for us alone.

So be creative!  Enter into some kind of creative act and just go with it, accept it, get out of your own way and allow God to move within it and you won't be disappointed.

Tips and Tricks for Starting a New Creative Prayer Practice

Throughout this journey, I have found a few things helpful in clearing the mind and settling into a creative prayer practice and thought I would share them with anyone who might read this and want to give it a shot.  So here they are in no particular order:

1. Pull out your materials and have everything ready, within arms reach and organized so that you can enjoy your practice and be "in the zone".

2. Listen: listen to yourself, listen to God, listen to the day

3. YOU CANNOT DO THIS WRONG! Remember that there is no right or wrong way to do this so be gentle with yourself

4. You are doing this for you and God and no one else.  It does not matter what anyone else thinks about your artwork.  It is a part of you.

5. Don't be afraid to express a side of yourself you don't normally let into the light.  I often present prayers of thanks or joy and repress prayers of pain or struggle in my own life but this is the time to express your deepest and truest emotions, desires, thoughts and self to God.

6. If you're having trouble getting started take a few deep breaths, let go of any frustration or expectations.  Begin not by figuring out what your painting or sculpture will look like but instead with one color or one shape and let the rest flow from there.

7. I find it helpful to have a comfortable space (a comfortable chair, open window, natural light etc.) and a hot cup of tea so that I can relax and more quickly let go of the day and calm my mind and body.  This creation of space helps me to set this time aside as sacred.

8. Don't give yourself too many options.  By this I mean stick with 2 or 3 colors to begin with or a small piece of clay.  You can always add more as you go but by starting with a limited number of options you can avoid any extra feelings of being overwhelmed.

9. If you find yourself unsure of where to start and silence/meditation isn't working try reading a Psalm; they are the long held prayers of those who have come before us and can speak to us in ways that allow us to hear our own hearts.

10. If you begin to get frustrated take a break.  Take a short walk, grab another cup of tea, take a few deep breaths, and begin again.  Not every day or every attempt will bring about a piece of artwork or a prayer but it is in the practicing that we are able to more clearly listen to ourselves and God.